Sealed in the Glass Ball of the Ego

So I want to be clear about what I’m talking about in this whole blog here, because the very act of writing can turn something inconceivable into some linear and deadened concept.  And what I’m writing about is unspeakable.  The vast silent source that is continually flowing that can’t be touched by words.  No wonder Ramana was silent much of the time.  So why write about it?  Because truthfully, I still have a deep longing to fully abide in that – to know the true heart of myself and operate fully from there.

I’m so tired and bored of the ego’s ways. I know them inside and out, and I’m ready to crawl out of its shell once and for all and truly see life without the insanely obscure lens that we are all trained to wear.  I want to just nakedly see.  Maybe this is a crazy longing.  Totally possible.  For a while, I convinced myself to be content by keeping my focus positive, to be grateful for all that I have (which I am) and not take on the burden of looking too deeply into things. But I can’t seem to do that anymore because the longing that burns in me – to know the truth, is deep, insatiable and involuntary.  And the sweetness of meeting my own pure awareness has something to do with it too.  For me, this whole inquiry, isn’t to find a way to feel better, or to gain a new perspective on situations in my life, or to gain more of or less of anything in particular… it is to truly see what is real. 

I just watched a beautiful talk by Sera Beak https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDmwLLqh7hk and she is inspiring honesty and transparency in my writing today.  She reminded me to be willing to be completely open about the stumbles in my experiences on this journey of awakening. To leave myself vulnerable where others can spot my asleep-ness, or where the threads of my ego can be seen stringing together words in a pretty, poetic or ‘enlightened’ way. Keeping these stumbles out in the open is how I can be genuine about my journey.  They bring truth to my words and completely pull out any ‘agenda’ from my ego’s desires.  There are volumes of sophisticated writings out there about spiritual awakening and what it is and what it means.  This is not that.  This is just a humble sharing of my experiences.

So here’s where I’ve been stumbling lately…..

Often I have these ‘lucid’ or ‘awake’ experiences where I feel the aliveness of what IS that is within and around me with no separation between the two.  This isn’t just while I’m meditating, writing or contemplating… but even during the busyness of the day.  I experience a moment as life spontaneously arising and I feel supremely connected to everything perceivable.  In those moments, even thought there is still ‘mind’ or ‘thoughts’ there truly is no ‘me’ experienced, there is just life happening, and I am there a part of it, consciously witnessing and participating fully. 

Other times, when I’m deeply identified with my ego, I try to ‘find’ this ‘vastness’. I long for it.  It’s like I put out these invisible antennae trying to locate and pull it towards me.  I try to ’settle’ in it, or claim it, or grab onto it, and I just can’t seem to access it.  Then I feel like I’m in a doomed glass ball, sealed off from the truth which I know (conceptually) is who I am, but I’m not feeling it directly. Do you know what I’m talking about?  It’s a frustrating place.  My experience is one of being stuck, of defeat, like I’m never going to ‘get there’.  It feels like being trapped eternally in a bad mood. And then there is the little voice that reminds me that the ‘me’ that wants to ‘know’, isn’t the one who can ever know, but I feel like this ‘me’ is all I know.  Samsara samsara….I’m doomed to be asleep forever. 

I was in this place yesterday until it suddenly and deeply registered that THIS is EGO and I noticed how much I was really resisting the feeling of hopelessness in it.  It is so ironic that the ego works so hard to get out of the trap it created (or that it is made of)! So I really saw that this is the experience of the belief that I’m small and stuck and limited.

At some point, like the turning of the weather, something in me surrendered and a genuine curiosity arose. Suddenly I wasn’t pushing it away anymore, but sniffing around it!  In a very short time, without any effort whatsoever, ‘it’ softened, and the glass bubble burst. To my great surprise, I was just left alone in the deep calm of awareness, with joy and gratitude bubbling through. 

Now I really get what ‘they’ say about accepting what is (as an experience, not just as a ‘teaching’).  It is so natural to resist what doesn’t feel good – and it is beautiful that we have the inclination to want to ‘feel better’ (and that we have an arsenal of tools to choose from to do this)- but for me, if I hadn’t dived right into the heart of where I least wanted to go, I wouldn’t have been able to come completely undone and find a real peacefulness.

So if like me, you are ‘sure that you are stuck’, you are ‘surely’ dwelling in a belief, and it simply isn’t true.  I don’t think I consciously chose to surrender yesterday, who wants to surrender to that muck? But something in me did.  Something in me decided to be ok with all of it being there… for as long as it was going to be there….and suddenly…well, check it out for yourself.   Peace.