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Making Peace with the Separate Self

Papaji, my teachers’ teacher spoke about vigilance, and how until our last breath, there is a need for vigilance. This teaching has been so powerful for me and I’d like to share how this practice of vigilance sharpens my attention, and brings about the possibility of stopping and falling into Peace in any moment.

When we are really willing to tell the truth about what is arising in our experience, in any moment it is possible to check and see what the ego is up to. First of all, is there a sense of a ‘me’ here? If so, we can acknowledge and soften…even smile at it… this experience of a ‘me’. So often (probably always) we can fall into a sense of shame, frustration or failure when we feel (and feel trapped in) a separate self. I’ve noticed that when we deliberately become aware of and stop indulging in attacking our egoic self, our ability to perceive becomes freed-up and infused with deep clarity. For me, this (self-compassion) continues to take practice; being vigilant to recognizing, and not unconsciously indulging in attack from within.

So moving with kindness and interest, we can point our attention towards telling the truth about what we are experiencing. How do you know there is a me here? What evidence does this me use to reference its existence? What does this me want? Is there an agenda that it is trying to promote? Is it trying to get something? How does it wish things were different than they are? Does it have a sense of ‘have to’, of leaning into the future with an impossible ‘to do’ list in hand (laden with expectations and unachievable standards?). What is the emotional tone of this me? There too, can you see if any painful emotions are being repressed (often resulting in a stack of other emotions on top) or is there some drama being indulged? Is there a feeling of a victim (or a marytr or a hero for that matter) lurking in this me?

As all ‘evidence of me’ (and our reactions to any of it) is perceived and received into this kind, open and genuinely curious attention, something seems to soften, it all seems to become less sticky, less compelling, less personal. Awareness seems to awaken and deepen from the place untouched by Me.

So vigilance is seeing and taking responsibility for where we are moving from. Peace is surrendering fully into the the unmoving ~ and recognizing That as what is and has always, been living through us. Then our lives become a conscious and uninhibited expression of Peace <3 .

Thank you Gangaji and Eli-Jaxon Bear for igniting these teachings in my heart. I’m so grateful. <3

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The Mindfulness Trap

Mindfulness meditation is everywhere these days. And for good reason; without a doubt, the practice of deliberately bringing our attention into the present moment helps pull us out of thought and back into the reality of the unfolding moment, the only moment there is. In this way, mindfulness can help us reconnect with our actual living moment to moment experience (which most of us completely miss!).

It is clear that developing the capacity to be mindful of emotions and mental states and our reactions to them, as well as shedding light on unconscious beliefs we had been running on is extremely beneficial. Seeing all this can open up the possibility of a more conscious and compassionate response to ourselves and to all aspects of our lives.

So mindfulness meditation and engaged inquiry is undeniably powerful and essential to becoming more self-aware and present in our lives, not to mention all the neurological benefits that we know a consistent mindfulness practice can nurture. However, when it comes to self-inquiry and awakening, mindfulness can have the tendency to trap us in certain ways. It doesn’t mean we have to leave mindfulness behind, it means we need to take it further…

In this interview, one of my dear teachers from the Leela School, Jared Franks, offers his wisdom on how we can move from mindfulness into true self-inquiry. Enjoy ~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3d-BfQFCuLc

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The Divine Grump

Sometimes even the Grump can lead us to greater awareness…. You know those days when you just wake up grumpy?  I had one of those recently, complete with a dark mind full of complaints darting around like fish appearing out of the murk. There was a loud and convincing story about all the work that would attack me as soon as I got out of bed and even though I knew I was indulging in some wallowing, I couldn’t quite shake it.

Then out of nowhere, I was hit by a sudden flood of total compassion and acceptance towards this ‘Grump’, coupled with a playful ‘jeesh, what a ‘GRUMP!!’ It was like one moment, the Grump was who I was, and then the next, the walls around that identity fell away and I was there standing in the centre of that role but seeing it had nothing to do with who I am in the least.  The presence of this sudden awareness and playfulness towards the Grump caught me off guard in a way that is feeling more and more familiar- as did the state of TOTAL acceptance and even delight due to the hilarity of its antics. This was so much deeper and genuine than the times when the Grump had decided to try to ‘look on the bright side’ and not be grumpy anymore…

So, the message here is that the Grump can’t think its way to clear seeing.  The Grump (and all its other moods and modes) is who we believe ourselves to be. We think we are navigating from ‘inside’ the Grump.  The Grump is the one who thinks it can and will ‘wake’ up one day and ‘see it all’.  But the Grump stays – the mind stays.  This is a huge clue of where not to keep searching.  If the question ‘where else is there to look’ arises… good!!  Ask that question and just listen and notice.  When the mind starts to narrate the experience (and probably with a voice that sees a ‘failure’ of ‘finding anything’) notice that too… stay with this alert noticing…

I think all of us who are on this path of awakening go through this.  While our hearts may lead us to the path, our egos kick in and start to interpret, process and ‘practice’.  This is natural – this is exactly what we’ve been conditioned to do and we do it well.  We hear that we need to ‘accept’ and so we then ‘try’ to will ourselves into accepting the darker aspects of mind and personality that comes with our bodies.  We try to accept all elements of ‘mind’ with mind.  This can fuel frustration and feelings of self-defeat for many of us because as well-intentioned and genuine this effort is, we can’t will our way into true acceptance.

A point may come where we start ‘practicing acceptance’ mentally, but in reality we haven’t actually had the experience of full acceptance (thus repressing our resistance out of our conscious awareness….pushing us deeper into unconsciousness). And then we wonder why we are still so bound to this finite identity when we should ‘know better’.  Ah…. the despair of the path…. but this is the juiciness of it…. when we see all of this – and can tell the truth about it and admit that we ‘don’t know’ ‘how’ to ‘do this’, we enter into a state of humility and openness.  This is the state that makes us receptive to the possibility of directly and clearly (and instantly) recognizing something that rings with the sweetness of a deep truth at your core.

Sending playful compassion to the Grump in you,

Laura xx

ps  I have put up a calendar on my ‘private and group meetings’ page if you’d like to book an appointment (I’d love to work with you- even one session can poke some serious holes in your belief in yourself as being the ‘Grump’!!).