We have to admit, one thing the ego has going for it, is that it sure knows how to make itself known. The ways of the mind are so transparent when we are willing to really pay attention. For example, a recurring thought pattern in my mind puts happiness, or fulfillment, or the ability to really relax somewhere in the future. This projected happiness is always conditional on other things too- “when we have more money and can take family vacations- with a babisitter” “when we are totally free to do so as we like and when we like” “when my back stops hurting from lugging around these massive (and adorable) twins all the time”…. we will be happy, free, relaxed, better people, able to enjoy life more….. There is nothing wrong with these thoughts, they are just thoughts, but I’m so trained to automatically believe them that I often let them have their way with me – I fall asleep and let in a flood of emotions, physical sensations and more thoughts that just keep reinforcing the original one. This brings an almost imperceptible veil of stress too, just a slight feeling of heaviness, or of being trapped in some way. And then that drains me. So I go through the day doing the zillions of things I believe I have to do, feeling stressed and exhausted and bummed out because I’ve put my ability to be happy or truly fulfilled somewhere in a conditional future that is absolutely out of reach from the trenches of Here. Fun times hey? I know I”m not alone here folks…. tell the truth, you know all about this, right?
But there is an alternative… the truth in my heart says that ‘access’ to happiness, complete fulfillment, total freedom, and the ability to truly rest easy is available to us all the time, because that is our true nature. If we think we will be happier when we have more money in the bank, or doing the perfect job, in the perfect body or with the always-perfect mate, we can at last take this as an obvious flag indicating that we are identifying with our ego. Or in other words, we are believing the thoughts in our head so completely that we’ve trapped ourselves in a dead zone. I know it feels like shit be in that place. But this is good news!! As soon as we can recognize the limiting place that these thoughts, beliefs, emotions and even the physical sensations that accompany them are coming from, we can then open ourselves to the possibility that this isn’t the full picture, and there is indeed a whole universe beyond these blinders.
So how do we ‘get out?’ I’m not claiming to have any answers here, but in the spirit of keeping this real, I’m happy to share my own unconscious tendencies so we can leave them behind together. So how I ‘get out’ is as soon as I realize that I’m trapped in thought, I stop and acknowledge that first of all, I’m believing that there is a ‘me’ that is in charge of everything…. and this ‘me’ is projecting my happiness into the future, which is unaccessible at the moment. If I need to verify this, I can go through a checklist – am I feeling stuck? yup. Trapped? yup. A bit bummed out? yup. Like I don’t have enough oxygen? yup. Ego verified. So then I soften and let it in. I see it for what it is – this ‘part’ of me that is constantly strategizing for the future. This ‘part’ that is working all the time, seemingly on my behalf. A bit of gratitude for this hardworking ego sneaks in. I see it’s fears – for example the one about not being able to find time to allow the full expression of my creative potential into this world. Then as uncomfortable as it is, I allow the full weight of that fear in: “I didn’t do what I could have done in this life”…. sadness engulfs me. So then I just let the energy of that feeling fully into my body and let the ‘story’ around it fall away. So I fully feel the sadness – a deep heaviness in my heart. I let myself be totally, utterly sad. Sounds fun hey? Bear with me. Then from the very heart of this sadness, I ask ‘who is this that is sad?’ and ‘who is the one asking?’ Suddenly I’m dropped into a vastness – a deep silent, peaceful and light spaciousness. The heaviness of the need for answers, or for figuring anything out falls away. This is a better place to hang out.
The ego might want to come in and create some new solutions… it might want to start ‘practicing gratitude’ (which I’d love to explore in another post), or projecting a positive spin on the present moment. But this is the same arising of mind – the mechanism that creates a ‘me’ that thinks it is in control. In the vast silent space, there was no need for control, as there was nothing else but silent awareness.
Practicing this kind of self-inquiry has given me the gift of instantly knowing where I’m rooted. It is so obvious to me now, when I’m rooted in my projections of the future (or past), and the clarity of inquiry guides me back to my true ground of self (where I never actually left, which is the cosmic joke of it all). It is not to say we can’t make plans or be excited about the future, but if we are referencing the totality of ourselves on those projections, we are missing the greatness that is Here now. This Self, knows it is impossible to be happier anywhere else, and unnecessary to try! Of course, It is our mind’s habit to jump ahead, to plan, to create… but if we don’t see how this pulls us away from the present moment, it is easy to fall into a chronic sense of unease. The mind resists the present moment (initally) because it has nothing to do; it is not needed as the reference point as a ‘me’ and is thus temporarily annihilated. But, when we actually notice and realign with what is present, there is nothing but the total and complete peace of who we are.