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Making Peace with the Separate Self

Papaji, my teachers’ teacher spoke about vigilance, and how until our last breath, there is a need for vigilance. This teaching has been so powerful for me and I’d like to share how this practice of vigilance sharpens my attention, and brings about the possibility of stopping and falling into Peace in any moment.

When we are really willing to tell the truth about what is arising in our experience, in any moment it is possible to check and see what the ego is up to. First of all, is there a sense of a ‘me’ here? If so, we can acknowledge and soften…even smile at it… this experience of a ‘me’. So often (probably always) we can fall into a sense of shame, frustration or failure when we feel (and feel trapped in) a separate self. I’ve noticed that when we deliberately become aware of and stop indulging in attacking our egoic self, our ability to perceive becomes freed-up and infused with deep clarity. For me, this (self-compassion) continues to take practice; being vigilant to recognizing, and not unconsciously indulging in attack from within.

So moving with kindness and interest, we can point our attention towards telling the truth about what we are experiencing. How do you know there is a me here? What evidence does this me use to reference its existence? What does this me want? Is there an agenda that it is trying to promote? Is it trying to get something? How does it wish things were different than they are? Does it have a sense of ‘have to’, of leaning into the future with an impossible ‘to do’ list in hand (laden with expectations and unachievable standards?). What is the emotional tone of this me? There too, can you see if any painful emotions are being repressed (often resulting in a stack of other emotions on top) or is there some drama being indulged? Is there a feeling of a victim (or a marytr or a hero for that matter) lurking in this me?

As all ‘evidence of me’ (and our reactions to any of it) is perceived and received into this kind, open and genuinely curious attention, something seems to soften, it all seems to become less sticky, less compelling, less personal. Awareness seems to awaken and deepen from the place untouched by Me.

So vigilance is seeing and taking responsibility for where we are moving from. Peace is surrendering fully into the the unmoving ~ and recognizing That as what is and has always, been living through us. Then our lives become a conscious and uninhibited expression of Peace <3 .

Thank you Gangaji and Eli-Jaxon Bear for igniting these teachings in my heart. I’m so grateful. <3

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The willingness to Awaken

Willingness has been such a teaching for me. When some emotional storm blows in, or a mental pattern begins to loop its way through a well-trodden neural pathway, or a circumstance suddenly unfolds an old sense of needing to do something to prove ‘my’ worth, I’ve noticed that the tendency is to immediately (and subconsciously) judge and resist these patterns and indulge in putting forth a huge amount of effort to try to change them.  In this way, an inner war (that claims the lion’s share of attention) is waged, What an effort, what a burden!  I see so clearly that the arising of these old tendencies is not the problem, falling into the trance of reactivity, and the ensuing attempts to manage and fix, is the cement that can bind me to identity.

I’ve also noticed that when it feels like there is a ‘me’ here driving the ship, pride and self-deception are both running on high in the background, keeping everything ticking along, doing their job of perpetuating unconsciousness. So when any of this comes up, a powerful inquiry has been, ‘If I was totally willing to tell the flat-out truth about what’s here, what would I notice in my experience?’  Immediately, pride and self-deception become ineffective and come to a halt, and awareness becomes imbued with the natural capacity to be objective and truthful.  With straightforwardness and ease (and often a deep humility and humour) it is clear to see what’s been running as well as any reaction to it. This alone brings a palpable shift into relief, lightness and freedom…. and a sense of falling back into an attentive sentience and wholeheartedness that is home.  So it’s willingness that’s the key.  Are we willing to expose what’s truly here in our experience – especially the bits we don’t want to be here and that we want to fix/hide?  What would happen if we just told the truth about what is here – even for a moment? <3