Self-inquiry seems to contain mighty little seeds that eventually start sprouting up here and there all on their own, powerfully shifting attention back to its source. I thought I’d write today again about how self-inquiry is operating in my life – and how it seems to be increasingly inquiring ‘me’ out of the picture.
I find I resist and even sometimes resent self-inquiry, when it comes up (seemingly uninvited) when I’m caught up in an intense emotional snaggle. Out of nowhere, inquiry interrupts any emotional or mental drama: I sense this gentle asking ‘who is so caught up right now? Who is it that is so upset about this?’ The me that I am identifying with so tightly in that moment wants to defend its right to be mad…. and boom! Right there it becomes so undeniably clear where I’m operating from. From a ‘me’ that has a story to defend, an image to uphold, or a point of view that needs to be validated. In that moment, I might still feel the intensity of all the emotions, and the desire to hang onto them and take action to defend them, but on the deepest level, something shifts gears – and there is a subtle yielding to the deep and vibrant quietness that is present. Even then, I can still sense remnants of a ‘me’ flailing around somewhere on the surface, but that ‘me’ becomes just a sound that I love unconditionally but that is no longer centrally relevant.
I’m finding that “I” don’t make the choice to ‘do self-inquiry’ anymore. It just happens whenever I cross some unseen threshold of becoming drawn into my story. And I’m finding that whether I’m willing to open to the inquiry or not, it powerfully draws my attention to the something else that is always present. The ‘something’ that has no point of view, no emotional entanglements, no past to define itself by – just the simple -and powerful presence of presence itself.
It used to appear that I had a choice to either pick up the story of that ‘me’ that has so much to justify, accomplish, solve or create, or to draw my attention into the greater truth of the silent awareness – the presence of being. But now I’m finding that I am no longer making a conscious choice to draw my attention back into the silent awareness – that too is happening automatically – even when the ‘me’ is fighting to remain as a strong and real and valid character. The paradox is, ultimately it is a conscious choice – it just doesn’t seem like it because it is not made by ‘me’ – but by consciousness itself – the true Me/You/Self.
yup. The seeds of inquiry are mighty and powerful – driven by and received by consciousness itself. It is beyond incredible how aware of itself consciousness is – and how it wants to know and embrace itself deeper and deeper. Limitless, vast, spacious peace is always Here.