Writings

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Shedding the skin of identity

As we begin to awaken to the unknowable, ineffable, vibrant presence that we are, some of the roles we previously played, even the ones we have loved, can become very difficult, and often impossible to uphold.

I have recently experienced this.  For almost a decade (minus a few years of having babies), I worked as the lead academic instructor and outdoor guide for the Adventure Tourism Business Operations program at the College of the Rockies here in Golden, BC.  I loved this job – I got to teach in an extremely dynamic and diverse way – from leading sea kayaking, canoeing and bushcraft trips, to doing curriculum development for a wide variety of sustainable tourism courses, to carrying out international work in Africa… I grew so much personally and professionally.  I loved the connection I had with my students – we laughed a lot – we questioned things together, we supported each other through the gamut of weather, challenges and joys that this program offers.

So it may seem crazy that I just handed in my letter of resignation.  But the truth is, that role isn’t one that I could continue to uphold and stay true to what seems to really want to be expressed through this life – this body, this mind and this heart. The college was an amazing place to be and I’ll always have gratitude in my heart when I think of it, but there is a deeper draw to be fully present and available to my children – and to explore this ever-expanding awakening even more.

I have noticed lately that when I am coaching others who are drawn to explore their own awakening, I experience this exquisite joy of being in alignment with a capacity to serve and support others. It seems to always crack something open that allows peace and joyful clarity to bubble up from the depths – and I am so humbled and honoured to support others in their connection to that ~ to themselves.

So I am so happy to announce that I have made myself available to this work on all levels – this living inquiry that is indeed vibrantly alive, mysterious and always happening in the very moment we find ourselves to be in.

I feel a huge lightness in shedding my old role – even though it was one that I adored.  I feel like I have given myself the freedom to live out a deeper truth… Of course there is uncertainty, that’s an essential part of it- but there is an unspeakable calm excitement that comes from this surrender to my Heart.

So I wish all of you reading this the courage to always live out your own deepest truths – to boldly carry them out into the world – even when they point to no certain path, security or any image of ‘success’…. trusting that deep wise heart of yours is what you, your life and this world needs most – so we can all live intelligently, and in peace.

Much love and support always.

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Experiencing reality directly

Hello dear ones!!

It has been a long time since I’ve visited this page. I went back to work this fall as an academic instructor and outdoor guide for an Adventure Tourism Business Operations Program in Golden, BC.  As all working parents know, it can be a busy juggle to balance roles, schedules, kids, meals…. the mind becomes busy…. the emotions overwhelmed.

But I am inspired to share that my awareness of ‘the something that never changes’, regardless of external circumstance or internal state, has deepened.

So in any given moment, here’s how things might be going…. externally, there might be the lovely buzz of excitement that comes with work; moments of humour and connection with my students, and then others heavily weighted with pressure, overwhelm and stress.  There is almost always the fatigue of sleeplessness and constant busy-ness,  which is dangerous to pay any attention to because there is everything that my three beautiful kids need me to attend to for them…..Then there are thoughts about the human spirit, creativity, connection with nature and with self, intelligent capacity… and wondering about the impact our school system has on those things… so the arising of questions occurs around education options for our children…… I feel the intensity of all of this juggling, and all the deep joys and frustrations that we all seem to experience at this stage of life.

It is so clear to me as I write this that the fuel of all of this intensity is the deep belief in ‘myself’ as a central character that has control and has to figure out how to navigate intelligently through this time.

But to my great surprise and relief, the belief of a central ‘me’ that has to make all these life-changing decisions, is losing ground.  What’s taking over is the awareness of the conscious silence that I am. The presence that is simply always here and untouched by anything – is spontaneously and unexpectedly attracting my attention.  I don’t remind myself to ‘be quiet’ or ‘turn within’ – it is just simply what happens, often.  In this quietness, my mind falls silent and no longer seems to resist its lack of a job in this pure knowingness…. Fresh sources of gratitude, peace, fulfillment, and ease bubble up…

So there are still waves of anxiety, depression, a ‘trying to figure it all out’, joy, humour, connection… and they feel deep and of course can and do affect my experience, but something in me doesn’t buy into them as fully as I once did. I’m not afraid of these states – and I no longer put effort into trying to chase any of them away.  Their transitory nature (as intense as they can be) is so clearly secondary to the primary, unwavering truth of being.

This awareness takes me out of all the mental and emotional turmoil and places me intimately in direct experience with true reality.  In this way, I am able to operate with the fullness of presence, instead of operating with my awareness pulled into trying to put out all the fires going on in my mind.

Feels good to be here.  Especially when I forget and take those gruelling trips through those periods as an ‘identified me’….  it feels so good to come back home to the spaciousness of simply being fully here.

Peace, L.

 

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Getting stuff done – from presence

I received a beautiful question the other day, from a friend who was seeking understanding around how to respond to all the demands in life and maintain present moment awareness.

I love this question: How do we move through life with awareness (staying rooted in the present) and still get everything done?

How do we stay present when so much of what we do seems to require thinking, planning, doing….like our jobs, or keeping a household running, or taking care of others that need us?   It seems that the very heart of our conditioning lies in these massive invisible clouds laden with ideas, expectations, plans and objectives that we unconsciously carry into each moment (whether it is a business meeting, or grocery shopping, or even some of our social get-togethers). No wonder we are exhausted!  We spend virtually all our time racing around, trying to get everything done while meeting all the conditions and demands written in these ‘clouds’.

Is it possible to just let all that go and fully be here (and still see everything that ‘needs to get done’, get done?)

Well, why don’t you check it out for yourself?  I have found that it is not only possible, but much more sane and enjoyable…..

There are no conditions needed to be fully present.  We don’t have to wait until there is a quiet moment alone to allow ourselves to be fully present.  We can be fully present – actually we already are fully present– in any moment.  Notice if you have attached an idea or image of what ‘being present’ looks like…..most of us do. Being present doesn’t look a certain way – it simply means being fully open to what’s here.  So we can be fully present with sadness, or busyness, or stress – these states might not be comfortable but we don’t have to let them take us for an exhausting mental ride. We can just stay present and not run away, or hide, or push away, or distract ourselves from discomfort of any degree.  It can be challenging at first – because it is unfamiliar and seemingly counter-intuitive to remain in apparent discomfort – but that changes.

It is helpful to consider the conditions you may have put on your experience (for it to be ‘good’ or ‘happy’ or ‘meaningful’).  And see that because you likely have a deep preference for certain moments, activities, people or emotional states, when something different arises, you hit resistance – and then feel like you are not ‘present’. It is natural to have preferences – but when we continually exert effort to ‘make our preferences come into being’, we are in resistance to what is already present, and we feel out of alignment with ourself in some way – disconnected, separate, fragmented, confused….

So become aware of that resistance – that is what makes things extremely painful. The resistance is what causes the suffering.  Once you are aware that you are resisting something uncomfortable (almost always an emotion) you are at the foot of a conscious choice -to keep resisting (denying, avoiding) or to dive in and see what’s there.  I’m here to encourage you to take the dive!!  (Join me for a session if you would like support in moving through this…..<3).

There is a maturing that happens here… at some point we start to realize how we’ve been on the path of insanity, which involves believing every thought and working our butts off to accomplish everything those thoughts tell us to do. Then we might start to question our thoughts (Byron Katie’s Work is so useful here) and we start to see that we don’t have to believe them – there are other choices.

Then we might see that the one we identify ourselves to be, the one in control, actually doesn’t exist – except as a very strong and persuasive (continually gathering evidence to assert its existence) idea in our mind. An idea we have worshipped and defended fiercely for a long time, as being the centre of our existence.  When this ‘me’ is seen though, a surrender spontaneously occurs and we find ourselves to just simply be here, with whatever is, without condition – we are curious, alive, conscious, spontaneous, intelligent and loving presence.

So then from this place ~of presence~ we might notice that the diapers are getting low, or we are out of bananas, or there is a work meeting scheduled for 11:00 am.  Ok, this is the richness of the dance of life – we respond ‘as indicated’ to whatever life brings – from presence.  Maybe a thought arises that a lesson needs to be planned for next week’s class – so we can notice that thought and remain conscious…. we can look to see if there is an emotional charge (stress) associated with it?  If so, we inquire (open) into that stress. Or, if there is no stress, we go ahead and plan the lesson -from presence – which in my experience, results in a creative, inspired and joyful planning session which will likely flow into the actual class when taught.

It is essential to start telling the truth about what the most immediate thing is that is arising, whether it is an event, an emotion, an action, and attend to that. This often means just focusing your full awareness on it.  Insights will flow in.

From a place of presence, the things we once thought ‘had to get done’ start to take on a different hue – a different meaning. They start to represent the mysterious movements of life.  And lots of these things are seen to be nothing but conditioned demands from the illusory ‘cloud’, and they don’t actually need to get done – or if they do, we see that they don’t need to be stressful, or resisted, or executed in a predetermined way. We might see instead that they are all opportunities (diverse and always unexpected) to be unconditionally present.

We start to see busyness as the vibrancy and abundance of life’s movements.

This is what it means to operate from conscious loving awareness.  It is gentle and supportive – and much more humble and simple than the perplexing weight that comes with trying to meet all the unconscious demands set by our cloudy minds.

Peace to you in this moment <3

L.