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Staying vigilant to awareness

“They” say (in my books, the likes of Gangaji, Papaji, Ramana – and Eckhart Tolle are a good ‘they’) that there is no teaching, no teacher, no student, no practice.  And I get this.  I see that realizing the true nature of our Self is recognizing what we ARE, it is not something that we can learn.  But the ego wants to learn how. ‘How do I find enlightenment?  How do I attain Freedom and Truth?  Show me how”.  So we go to ‘teachers’, and a ‘teacher’ can only point us in the right direction.  A true teacher can only point to the truth that is already present. It is the same truth in ‘us’ as in ‘them’.  Perhaps the difference between a ‘teacher’ and a ‘student’ is that a teacher can see in plain view that which is already awake – and the most profound teachers always revel in the beauty of the truth with great joy and humility. There is nothing to ‘teach’. There is no curriculum, no prescription, no prerequisites and no concepts to internalize.……we don’t have to chant mantras, or raise our vibration, or activate our kundalini to awaken. There is nothing wrong with any of these things, in fact, if we want to use them to calm our minds or to ‘feel better’, they are great.  But if we are using them to ‘try to awaken’, we are yet again caught in the trap of following a concept instead of meeting the sweetness of the truth that is always already here. We don’t have to learn a single thing and we don’t have to try to change who we are or the quality of our thoughts in the least. 

So what the heck do we do?

We can stay aware of the awareness that we are – when we are meditating, when we are multi-tasking, when we are thinking dreadful thoughts or blissful thoughts…  we can notice what all phenomena is happening within.  We can see what doesn’t ever change, and we can start to recognize that the vastness of ‘what sees’ is who and what we are. 

So if there was a practice, (and Gangaji speaks about this), it would be to stay ‘vigilant’ to this awareness.  When a thought – (or an emotion/tension/feeling of stress) arises, stay rooted in being aware of it and not jumping into it and being completely entangled in it…… this is SO hard at times – especially when a really ‘sticky’ thought comes up.  The temptation to just unconsciously react is SO ingrained that it can feel infuriating to not react as we perhaps once would have.  The ego feels ‘entitled’ to take action on what it thinks is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.  But here’s a good nugget that really helps me – the thoughts aren’t the issue – it is the resulting actions that we take, the energy we invest, and the emotions that we allow to consume us, that are the problem. Automatically believing an unchecked mind makes us do all kinds of weird shit – to ourselves, and to each other.

And this is a seriously deep and wide-spread addiction that indeed causes suffering. 

I’ve found that as I ‘stay vigilant to awareness’ – the most longstanding beliefs that have had the strongest hold on me are being uprooted, and the tendency and temptation to react (and hang onto them as being true) is STRONG.  But as I stay vigilant, I am able to finally meet these thoughts directly instead of burying them under anxiety, tension, a handful of chocolate chips, or a glass of wine.  I am able to see their falseness with such clarity that it is often humourous.  These old beliefs start to naturally loosen their lure and I’m able to see a choice that wasn’t visible before – to fall back asleep, or to stay awake.  By choosing to stay awake, an infinite amount of new choices continually become possible.

Seeing beyond the limitations of our mind isn’t for the faint of heart.  It is hard work – we must be willing to meet everything head on.  It can be extremely uncomfortable – this is certainly not about pushing the negative away and basking in bliss. This is about facing the truth of everything that we believe including what terrifies, enrages and inspires us……and most important, who we believe ourselves to be.  And when we are willing to TRULY face it, full on, with no escape plan, no shield and no lucky penny – just nakedly facing the truth….. there is something waiting to be discovered.

Peace.

 


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Spiritual Awakening and the Early Months of Motherhood

Let’s face it, as new mothers our identity is already in flux.  Our needs, even the most essential ones like sleep and hygiene are constantly interrupted by others’ needs…. we are exhausted and can only vaguely and distantly remember ‘who we once were’.  And we do it all because of this intense love for our wee ones, there is a profound heart-opening joy in all of it too, but in this time of incredible challenge during the first few months of motherhood, our sense of ‘who we are’ is crumbling.  The good news is, this tills the soil of spiritual awakening.

For me, it was exactly in this sleep-deprived time when I literally couldn’t remember who I was anymore that I started to awaken to something more than my exhausted body, mind and emotions.  Despite the challenges, I still felt deeply grateful for my healthy and beautiful kids- they were a dream come true for me, but I didn’t know who I was anymore,(besides being a bleary-eyed diaper-changing, tandem breast-feeding milk machine) or who I was becoming.  I would look at the dust on my guitar and wonder if I could still play a song full of bar chords without getting a cramp in my hand.  I’d look at my thirsty canoe paddle and sigh.  I didn’t even feel drawn to these things that were once my passion.  I was kinda tired, kinda cranky and kinda stinky.  At this point, the person I once identified so deeply with as ‘me’ was totally out of reach.  I couldn’t keep up all my identity’s self-imposed expectations; things like eating a supremely healthy diet, getting my kids out into nature, exposing them (and me) to lots of music and doing things to inspire our creativity…. When I couldn’t uphold them all, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough and silently beat myself up for failing miserably at everything.  I’m sure every Mama can relate to this.

There were so many gifts buried in these challenges. For instance, not being one to stay negative or down for long, I started to really question all these things I was striving to do and be as a new mother. I found myself striving to uphold some fantasy of the ‘perfect mother’ – that could do all these great things all the time while being loving, calm and attentive to her kids all day (20 hours) long.  I was working so hard to match this image I had developed in my mind (or that I’d absorbed from certain niches of society)- and it was unattainable.  I began to see so clearly that this was my ego at work.  I almost missed it because this version of the ego was inviting such wholesome, nourishing, spiritual, creative and ‘intelligent’ things.  Everything within it had such deep value that I was certain that they must be the ‘right’ things to do – my ego had carefully researched and plotted the ultimate path of all-around amazingness that I had to follow to succeed. 

Now, of course, there is nothing wrong with any of the things my ego was promoting, in fact there is tremendous value in each which I continue to draw upon.  But it had to be seen that the mechanism at play was this ‘wholesome ego’ that had created a plan that needed to be followed or failure would surely ensue.  I fell right into the trap.  But now, way more awake, I clearly see whether my actions are fuelled by the ‘shoulds’ of the ego, (which is always accompanied by some subtle tension and driven by a ‘me’ that thinks it is in control of everything) or by the spontaneous intelligence of awareness that is only found in the present moment. 

There’s a big difference.  A lightness.  An ease I never thought possible for me (who was once a glutton for over-achievement on the ego scale!).  Now I see everything on the ego’s list as resources I can draw from as needed, but not as some mandatory ‘checklist’ that I have to score a high mark in each category to succeed as a mom.

Another big gift is that literally being forced into the present moment (which was what I needed to do to survive) has made being in the present moment a habit. For a whole year, I had to bring my full attention to the situation at hand. There was literally no time to consider the past or future, and I’m certain that this is what primed me for a deep awakening.  (If you’re interested in hearing more about this awakening, I did write about it in the first couple posts on the context and meeting Gangaji and Eli).  Now that the twins are 1.5 and Olive is 3.5, I have a bit more sleep in my nights and more breathing space in the days.  There is ‘time’ available for my mind to wander, but I find that the present is my natural resting place.  It used to be a place that I tried to meditate my way to, or come back to after ‘everything was done’ – but now I see that the present is not a place or moment in time, but is the essence of who I am.  Now I see that I’m just here, both witnessing and participating in this incredible and continuous unraveling of the spontaneous movement of life.

The most amazing revelation that I’ve discovered in all of this, is that being totally peaceful in the present isn’t a passing ‘state’ as I once though it to be.  I always thought it was a mood, or a calm that would just ‘come over me’ but now I see that it is who I am – this calm, peaceful awareness that has no plans, no judgements, no dreams, no hopes, no regrets, no problems and no lists. This peace is the starting, the ending, and the in-between.  Rooted here, I could sit and watch the ego do its acrobatics all day, and it is no longer of any concern…… I might choose to jump on and do a flip with it for fun, but it is no longer to fulfill a sense of ‘me’.  This is Freedom.

Peace.


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Why Awakening to the Truth of who we are matters for the planet

So I’d like to start today’s writing with an honest account of where I’m at in this ‘awakening’ thing because I’m still new to it all – well, the truth of who I am isn’t new to any of it of course, but the shift in identity from ego to awareness is very new and still unfolding.

When I was ‘in pursuit’ of awakening, I was humbly reminded again and again that the one who ‘wants enlightenment’ is the very one who is in the way. This is a big clue for me… it is easy for me to notice this inner seeker that wants to claw or meditate or ‘come into’ awareness…. and I know instantly to not look there, for the mind will never ‘get it’, and this is SO frustrating to the mind!!  So I leave the mind for a bit – it will still think and fret and do what it does, but I can also become aware of something else other than the mind…..an ocean of awareness behind it. This awareness is impossible to know or contain or categorize or pin down in any way, but it can be sensed and recognized.  That’s where I’m at (and it’s only the ego that would try to determine if one is ‘awake’ or not!). I see the mind and often fall into it and follow its dreams for a while, then realize what I’m doing and my attention is back to that ocean of awareness.  Even when I’m thinking, or doing tasks that range in mental complexity from taking a sip of tea to cooking three different dinners while holding two babies and singing baa baa black sheep, I still keep part of my attention on this ocean of awareness.

So why does this all matter for the planet?  For many, spiritual paths are undertaken to avoid or alleviate suffering.  We realize we are anxious and stressed, so we do yoga, chant a mantra or meditate to chill out a bit.  We want to escape the pain of living and find a state of bliss.  Truthfully, the path has been partially about that for me.  But now as I become more conscious (which to me means that I don’t act on my unconscious impulses as often) I see it’s relevance to finding truly intelligent and effective solutions to the world’s problems.

Eckhart Tolle and Thich Nhat Hahn both have said that we have a responsibility to keep our internal landscapes clear.  If we take action while we are internally polluted (with negativity or from the suffering inherent in blindly following false beliefs), we create more suffering in the world, even when we have the best intentions.  I watched a video recently where a man was asking Thich Nhat Hahn how to deal with intense fear and anger.  This man was on a committee to stop chem trails over L.A.  He was fearful because the chemicals that are being emitted are poisonous to humans, so he himself as well as his family and friends and larger community are subjected to this poison, and he was angry because nobody seems to care or be doing anything about it.  So he asked Thich Nhat Hahn how to go about creating change when motivated by fear and anger.  Hahn’s answer was brilliant as always.  He said that we must first clean up our internal landscapes.  If we operate from a place of fear or anger, we will not be able to create any positive or true change.  He said the man was better off to write love letters to the ones spraying than hate letters.  He spoke of the power of coming to that place of peace, of love, look deeply into the illusion of the separate self, and then allow any action to be taken to arise from there.

This speaks so deeply to me.  When we become aware of the awareness that we are, it changes the very way we go about ‘seeking solutions’ in the world.  Now, this writing is tricky for me because I can imagine how it could easily be misunderstood, but please bear with me.  So I used to spend a lot of time and energy learning the details of a wide spectrum of global environmental, social, economic and political situations.  I helped start committees and I created curriculum to do my part in trying to help alleviate some of the dire situations on the planet.  At the time, I thought my greatest leverage point was in my ability to pass on my passion for learning, leading and educating and trigger the same in others. It was exhilarating, It felt empowering to think I ‘knew something about things’ enough to take a stand, to write articles, do talks…. I held strong convictions about who to point my finger towards to blame for our global problems.  I had students who I (still) adore who would look to me for my opinions on what is going on in the world and why….. 

…..but now I see things differently. I see how the rational mind needs to orient and examine the world’s problems in terms of an ‘us and them’  as a way to set the context for finding a solution.  This is how we are trained.  We need to know the history, see the mechanics, divide people into the good guys and the bad guys and so on.  Then we try to come up with a solution based on this context.  Do you see where I’m going with this?  With this method, we are completely entangled in history and unconsciously attached to layers of beliefs (that point to right and wrong, what is just or isn’t just, etc) that deeply limit the possibility of a fresh solution to arise.  Now, there is nothing wrong with learning about, talking about, thinking about or ‘knowing’ history (although we must acknowledge the subjectivity, bias and distortion of our memories anyway), but if we look for our solutions there, we come back to Einstein’s quote – where the world’s problems cannot be solved at the level of consciousness at which they were created.  It is so clear to me now that our conditioning makes us believe that this is a highly intelligent and keenly aware way to go about finding solutions.  But now I see that any solutions gained in this way will be largely unconscious.

So to consciously solve ‘problems’ we must let go of our agendas (even momentarily) and come back to the raw and terrifying intelligence of not-knowing. This is truly the only leverage point. The present moment – (not a point in time, but the place where you become aware of your awareness) is the only place where true creative intelligence can emerge.  We must come to recognize ourselves as pure conscious awareness (that has no past and no future) so that we see that we are unhitched from the past (even if we still ‘know’ about it) and we are completely free to act in a new, intelligent and conscious way. 

This is why awakening is so important.  We are free from the past – we are free to make new decisions every moment – but these are the decision-less decisions that arise as obvious choices when we operate from the truth of the spontaneous intelligent awareness that we are.

In truth – you are the world.  You are life.  You are this moment.  Everything you see, feel, know -it is all you.  So love love love it all.   The loving conscious awareness that you are is always here. It’s the only thing that is here.