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The Divine Grump

Sometimes even the Grump can lead us to greater awareness…. You know those days when you just wake up grumpy?  I had one of those recently, complete with a dark mind full of complaints darting around like fish appearing out of the murk. There was a loud and convincing story about all the work that would attack me as soon as I got out of bed and even though I knew I was indulging in some wallowing, I couldn’t quite shake it.

Then out of nowhere, I was hit by a sudden flood of total compassion and acceptance towards this ‘Grump’, coupled with a playful ‘jeesh, what a ‘GRUMP!!’ It was like one moment, the Grump was who I was, and then the next, the walls around that identity fell away and I was there standing in the centre of that role but seeing it had nothing to do with who I am in the least.  The presence of this sudden awareness and playfulness towards the Grump caught me off guard in a way that is feeling more and more familiar- as did the state of TOTAL acceptance and even delight due to the hilarity of its antics. This was so much deeper and genuine than the times when the Grump had decided to try to ‘look on the bright side’ and not be grumpy anymore…

So, the message here is that the Grump can’t think its way to clear seeing.  The Grump (and all its other moods and modes) is who we believe ourselves to be. We think we are navigating from ‘inside’ the Grump.  The Grump is the one who thinks it can and will ‘wake’ up one day and ‘see it all’.  But the Grump stays – the mind stays.  This is a huge clue of where not to keep searching.  If the question ‘where else is there to look’ arises… good!!  Ask that question and just listen and notice.  When the mind starts to narrate the experience (and probably with a voice that sees a ‘failure’ of ‘finding anything’) notice that too… stay with this alert noticing…

I think all of us who are on this path of awakening go through this.  While our hearts may lead us to the path, our egos kick in and start to interpret, process and ‘practice’.  This is natural – this is exactly what we’ve been conditioned to do and we do it well.  We hear that we need to ‘accept’ and so we then ‘try’ to will ourselves into accepting the darker aspects of mind and personality that comes with our bodies.  We try to accept all elements of ‘mind’ with mind.  This can fuel frustration and feelings of self-defeat for many of us because as well-intentioned and genuine this effort is, we can’t will our way into true acceptance.

A point may come where we start ‘practicing acceptance’ mentally, but in reality we haven’t actually had the experience of full acceptance (thus repressing our resistance out of our conscious awareness….pushing us deeper into unconsciousness). And then we wonder why we are still so bound to this finite identity when we should ‘know better’.  Ah…. the despair of the path…. but this is the juiciness of it…. when we see all of this – and can tell the truth about it and admit that we ‘don’t know’ ‘how’ to ‘do this’, we enter into a state of humility and openness.  This is the state that makes us receptive to the possibility of directly and clearly (and instantly) recognizing something that rings with the sweetness of a deep truth at your core.

Sending playful compassion to the Grump in you,

Laura xx

ps  I have put up a calendar on my ‘private and group meetings’ page if you’d like to book an appointment (I’d love to work with you- even one session can poke some serious holes in your belief in yourself as being the ‘Grump’!!).

 

 

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Getting stuff done – from presence

I received a beautiful question the other day, from a friend who was seeking understanding around how to respond to all the demands in life and maintain present moment awareness.

I love this question: How do we move through life with awareness (staying rooted in the present) and still get everything done?

How do we stay present when so much of what we do seems to require thinking, planning, doing….like our jobs, or keeping a household running, or taking care of others that need us?   It seems that the very heart of our conditioning lies in these massive invisible clouds laden with ideas, expectations, plans and objectives that we unconsciously carry into each moment (whether it is a business meeting, or grocery shopping, or even some of our social get-togethers). No wonder we are exhausted!  We spend virtually all our time racing around, trying to get everything done while meeting all the conditions and demands written in these ‘clouds’.

Is it possible to just let all that go and fully be here (and still see everything that ‘needs to get done’, get done?)

Well, why don’t you check it out for yourself?  I have found that it is not only possible, but much more sane and enjoyable…..

There are no conditions needed to be fully present.  We don’t have to wait until there is a quiet moment alone to allow ourselves to be fully present.  We can be fully present – actually we already are fully present– in any moment.  Notice if you have attached an idea or image of what ‘being present’ looks like…..most of us do. Being present doesn’t look a certain way – it simply means being fully open to what’s here.  So we can be fully present with sadness, or busyness, or stress – these states might not be comfortable but we don’t have to let them take us for an exhausting mental ride. We can just stay present and not run away, or hide, or push away, or distract ourselves from discomfort of any degree.  It can be challenging at first – because it is unfamiliar and seemingly counter-intuitive to remain in apparent discomfort – but that changes.

It is helpful to consider the conditions you may have put on your experience (for it to be ‘good’ or ‘happy’ or ‘meaningful’).  And see that because you likely have a deep preference for certain moments, activities, people or emotional states, when something different arises, you hit resistance – and then feel like you are not ‘present’. It is natural to have preferences – but when we continually exert effort to ‘make our preferences come into being’, we are in resistance to what is already present, and we feel out of alignment with ourself in some way – disconnected, separate, fragmented, confused….

So become aware of that resistance – that is what makes things extremely painful. The resistance is what causes the suffering.  Once you are aware that you are resisting something uncomfortable (almost always an emotion) you are at the foot of a conscious choice -to keep resisting (denying, avoiding) or to dive in and see what’s there.  I’m here to encourage you to take the dive!!  (Join me for a session if you would like support in moving through this…..<3).

There is a maturing that happens here… at some point we start to realize how we’ve been on the path of insanity, which involves believing every thought and working our butts off to accomplish everything those thoughts tell us to do. Then we might start to question our thoughts (Byron Katie’s Work is so useful here) and we start to see that we don’t have to believe them – there are other choices.

Then we might see that the one we identify ourselves to be, the one in control, actually doesn’t exist – except as a very strong and persuasive (continually gathering evidence to assert its existence) idea in our mind. An idea we have worshipped and defended fiercely for a long time, as being the centre of our existence.  When this ‘me’ is seen though, a surrender spontaneously occurs and we find ourselves to just simply be here, with whatever is, without condition – we are curious, alive, conscious, spontaneous, intelligent and loving presence.

So then from this place ~of presence~ we might notice that the diapers are getting low, or we are out of bananas, or there is a work meeting scheduled for 11:00 am.  Ok, this is the richness of the dance of life – we respond ‘as indicated’ to whatever life brings – from presence.  Maybe a thought arises that a lesson needs to be planned for next week’s class – so we can notice that thought and remain conscious…. we can look to see if there is an emotional charge (stress) associated with it?  If so, we inquire (open) into that stress. Or, if there is no stress, we go ahead and plan the lesson -from presence – which in my experience, results in a creative, inspired and joyful planning session which will likely flow into the actual class when taught.

It is essential to start telling the truth about what the most immediate thing is that is arising, whether it is an event, an emotion, an action, and attend to that. This often means just focusing your full awareness on it.  Insights will flow in.

From a place of presence, the things we once thought ‘had to get done’ start to take on a different hue – a different meaning. They start to represent the mysterious movements of life.  And lots of these things are seen to be nothing but conditioned demands from the illusory ‘cloud’, and they don’t actually need to get done – or if they do, we see that they don’t need to be stressful, or resisted, or executed in a predetermined way. We might see instead that they are all opportunities (diverse and always unexpected) to be unconditionally present.

We start to see busyness as the vibrancy and abundance of life’s movements.

This is what it means to operate from conscious loving awareness.  It is gentle and supportive – and much more humble and simple than the perplexing weight that comes with trying to meet all the unconscious demands set by our cloudy minds.

Peace to you in this moment <3

L.

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facing despair

Gangaji speaks about the essential jump – where we plunge our consciousness all the way through whatever identities we have believed ourselves to be – into the abyss of despair.  This may not sound like the most fun way to spend your time…and in truth, most of us take drastic measures to avoid this gnawing pit. But at some point, we must be willing to recognize that when we continually avoid this deep wound, we build up a storyline on top of it that is fuelled on a very deep (almost imperceptible) level by avoidance of this foggy and miserable sadness.  So we end up carrying that sadness everywhere – and as you know, it comes up through the cracks in all sorts of crazy (and crazy-making) ways.

So eventually, we must face this abyss. Life will carry us to this most mysterious choice-less decision to consciously and willingly explore this churning darkness.  Arriving at this moment is the most terrifying and sacred gift.  We know we must jump into this abyss unarmed, unprotected, undefended… we must be willing to free fall into the centre of it – with no escape hatch.

Until we face this most essential wound – we live in avoidance of it.  Many of you already know this is so in your own life.

I am here to tell you there is no hard landing at the bottom of this jump.  When we are truly willing to face – to open ourselves to fully face and feel this despair – to let it break our hearts – and to continue going towards the most excruciating epicentre of it anyway…. there is something tremendously alive, vibrantly conscious and profoundly loving waiting ~for you~ at the centre.  Once we fully recognize the truth of ourself – not as a concept or some lovely idea we’ve heard from someone else, but directly for ourselves… there is a realization that it cannot ever be (and never was) unmet.  The mind cannot ever grasp this – and if it tells you it has, that is not the truth….

There is a catch though, we can’t dive in looking for this ‘something at the centre’… we must go in fully willing to let it consume us completely… to be fully devastated by our own despair….. not ‘for a little while’  or for ‘just a peek’ – but an eyes wide open, deep dive into the possible foreverness of this despair.

The despair is the flagging tape, showing you where the portage starts – through a tangled forest to the long-forgotten, long-avoided well – the abyss.

This is a most sacred journey.

So much love and support – and encouragement <3

L.

ps email me if you would like to book some time with me!…..xoxo

theawakeningheart@laurapshaw.com