Tag: awareness

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Spiritual Awakening and the Early Months of Motherhood

Let’s face it, as new mothers our identity is already in flux.  Our needs, even the most essential ones like sleep and hygiene are constantly interrupted by others’ needs…. we are exhausted and can only vaguely and distantly remember ‘who we once were’.  And we do it all because of this intense love for our wee ones, there is a profound heart-opening joy in all of it too, but in this time of incredible challenge during the first few months of motherhood, our sense of ‘who we are’ is crumbling.  The good news is, this tills the soil of spiritual awakening.

For me, it was exactly in this sleep-deprived time when I literally couldn’t remember who I was anymore that I started to awaken to something more than my exhausted body, mind and emotions.  Despite the challenges, I still felt deeply grateful for my healthy and beautiful kids- they were a dream come true for me, but I didn’t know who I was anymore,(besides being a bleary-eyed diaper-changing, tandem breast-feeding milk machine) or who I was becoming.  I would look at the dust on my guitar and wonder if I could still play a song full of bar chords without getting a cramp in my hand.  I’d look at my thirsty canoe paddle and sigh.  I didn’t even feel drawn to these things that were once my passion.  I was kinda tired, kinda cranky and kinda stinky.  At this point, the person I once identified so deeply with as ‘me’ was totally out of reach.  I couldn’t keep up all my identity’s self-imposed expectations; things like eating a supremely healthy diet, getting my kids out into nature, exposing them (and me) to lots of music and doing things to inspire our creativity…. When I couldn’t uphold them all, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough and silently beat myself up for failing miserably at everything.  I’m sure every Mama can relate to this.

There were so many gifts buried in these challenges. For instance, not being one to stay negative or down for long, I started to really question all these things I was striving to do and be as a new mother. I found myself striving to uphold some fantasy of the ‘perfect mother’ – that could do all these great things all the time while being loving, calm and attentive to her kids all day (20 hours) long.  I was working so hard to match this image I had developed in my mind (or that I’d absorbed from certain niches of society)- and it was unattainable.  I began to see so clearly that this was my ego at work.  I almost missed it because this version of the ego was inviting such wholesome, nourishing, spiritual, creative and ‘intelligent’ things.  Everything within it had such deep value that I was certain that they must be the ‘right’ things to do – my ego had carefully researched and plotted the ultimate path of all-around amazingness that I had to follow to succeed. 

Now, of course, there is nothing wrong with any of the things my ego was promoting, in fact there is tremendous value in each which I continue to draw upon.  But it had to be seen that the mechanism at play was this ‘wholesome ego’ that had created a plan that needed to be followed or failure would surely ensue.  I fell right into the trap.  But now, way more awake, I clearly see whether my actions are fuelled by the ‘shoulds’ of the ego, (which is always accompanied by some subtle tension and driven by a ‘me’ that thinks it is in control of everything) or by the spontaneous intelligence of awareness that is only found in the present moment. 

There’s a big difference.  A lightness.  An ease I never thought possible for me (who was once a glutton for over-achievement on the ego scale!).  Now I see everything on the ego’s list as resources I can draw from as needed, but not as some mandatory ‘checklist’ that I have to score a high mark in each category to succeed as a mom.

Another big gift is that literally being forced into the present moment (which was what I needed to do to survive) has made being in the present moment a habit. For a whole year, I had to bring my full attention to the situation at hand. There was literally no time to consider the past or future, and I’m certain that this is what primed me for a deep awakening.  (If you’re interested in hearing more about this awakening, I did write about it in the first couple posts on the context and meeting Gangaji and Eli).  Now that the twins are 1.5 and Olive is 3.5, I have a bit more sleep in my nights and more breathing space in the days.  There is ‘time’ available for my mind to wander, but I find that the present is my natural resting place.  It used to be a place that I tried to meditate my way to, or come back to after ‘everything was done’ – but now I see that the present is not a place or moment in time, but is the essence of who I am.  Now I see that I’m just here, both witnessing and participating in this incredible and continuous unraveling of the spontaneous movement of life.

The most amazing revelation that I’ve discovered in all of this, is that being totally peaceful in the present isn’t a passing ‘state’ as I once though it to be.  I always thought it was a mood, or a calm that would just ‘come over me’ but now I see that it is who I am – this calm, peaceful awareness that has no plans, no judgements, no dreams, no hopes, no regrets, no problems and no lists. This peace is the starting, the ending, and the in-between.  Rooted here, I could sit and watch the ego do its acrobatics all day, and it is no longer of any concern…… I might choose to jump on and do a flip with it for fun, but it is no longer to fulfill a sense of ‘me’.  This is Freedom.

Peace.


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A universe beyond the blinders

We have to admit, one thing the ego has going for it, is that it sure knows how to make itself known.  The ways of the mind are so transparent when we are willing to really pay attention. For example, a recurring thought pattern in my mind puts happiness, or fulfillment, or the ability to really relax somewhere in the future.  This projected happiness is always conditional on other things too- “when we have more money and can take family vacations- with a babisitter”  “when we are totally free to do so as we like and when we like”  “when my back stops hurting from lugging around these massive (and adorable) twins all the time”…. we will be happy, free, relaxed, better people, able to enjoy life more…..  There is nothing wrong with these thoughts, they are just thoughts, but I’m so trained to automatically believe them that I often let them have their way with me – I fall asleep and let in a flood of emotions, physical sensations and more thoughts that just keep reinforcing the original one.  This brings an almost imperceptible veil of stress too, just a slight feeling of heaviness, or of being trapped in some way.  And then that drains me. So I go through the day doing the zillions of things I believe I have to do, feeling stressed and exhausted and bummed out because I’ve put my ability to be happy or truly fulfilled somewhere in a conditional future that is absolutely out of reach from the trenches of Here.  Fun times hey?  I know I”m not alone here folks…. tell the truth, you know all about this, right? 

But there is an alternative… the truth in my heart says that ‘access’ to happiness, complete fulfillment, total freedom, and the ability to truly rest easy is available to us all the time, because that is our true nature. If we think we will be happier when we have more money in the bank, or doing the perfect job, in the perfect body or with the always-perfect mate, we can at last take this as an obvious flag indicating that we are identifying with our ego.  Or in other words, we are believing the thoughts in our head so completely that we’ve trapped ourselves in a dead zone.  I know it feels like shit be in that place.  But this is good news!!  As soon as we can recognize the limiting place that these thoughts, beliefs, emotions and even the physical sensations that accompany them are coming from, we can then open ourselves to the possibility that this isn’t the full picture, and there is indeed a whole universe beyond these blinders. 

So how do we ‘get out?’  I’m not claiming to have any answers here, but in the spirit of keeping this real, I’m happy to share my own unconscious tendencies so we can leave them behind together. So how I ‘get out’ is as soon as I realize that I’m trapped in thought, I stop and acknowledge that first of all, I’m believing that there is a ‘me’ that is in charge of everything…. and this ‘me’ is projecting my happiness into the future, which is unaccessible at the moment.  If I need to verify this, I can go through a checklist – am I feeling stuck?  yup.  Trapped? yup.  A bit bummed out? yup.  Like I don’t have enough oxygen?  yup.  Ego verified.  So then I soften and let it in. I see it for what it is – this ‘part’ of me that is constantly strategizing for the future.  This ‘part’ that is working all the time, seemingly on my behalf. A bit of gratitude for this hardworking ego sneaks in. I see it’s fears – for example the one about not being able to find time to allow the full expression of my creative potential into this world.  Then as uncomfortable as it is, I allow the full weight of that fear in: “I didn’t do what I could have done in this life”…. sadness engulfs me.  So then I just let the energy of that feeling fully into my body and let the ‘story’ around it fall away.  So I fully feel the sadness – a deep heaviness in my heart.  I let myself be totally, utterly sad.  Sounds fun hey?  Bear with me.  Then from the very heart of this sadness, I ask ‘who is this that is sad?’  and ‘who is the one asking?’  Suddenly I’m dropped into a vastness – a deep silent, peaceful and light spaciousness.  The heaviness of the need for answers, or for figuring anything out falls away. This is a better place to hang out.

The ego might want to come in and create some new solutions… it might want to start ‘practicing gratitude’ (which I’d love to explore in another post), or projecting a positive spin on the present moment.  But this is the same arising of mind – the mechanism that creates a ‘me’ that thinks it is in control.  In the vast silent space, there was no need for control, as there was nothing else but silent awareness.

Practicing this kind of self-inquiry has given me the gift of instantly knowing where I’m rooted. It is so obvious to me now, when I’m rooted in my projections of the future (or past), and the clarity of inquiry guides me back to my true ground of self (where I never actually left, which is the cosmic joke of it all).  It is not to say we can’t make plans or be excited about the future, but if we are referencing the totality of ourselves on those projections, we are missing the greatness that is Here now.  This Self, knows it is impossible to be happier anywhere else, and unnecessary to try!  Of course, It is our mind’s habit to jump ahead, to plan, to create… but if we don’t see how this pulls us away from the present moment, it is easy to fall into a chronic sense of unease. The mind resists the present moment (initally) because it has nothing to do; it is not needed as the reference point as a ‘me’ and is thus temporarily annihilated. But, when we actually notice and realign with what is present, there is nothing but the total and complete peace of who we are.


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The temptation to react unconsciously to our kids….

It comes in the willingness to pause for a second and really look at our thoughts, or at the emotions that can pull at us as we plow through the hours of our days as a busy parent. When it comes to thinking about your children’s behaviour, is it possible for you to see that much of your feeling that you need to control or direct your children’s behaviour in a certain way comes from some prior conditioning? And perhaps even from the fear of not succeeding in meeting the expectations of that conditioning?  For example, the other day, Olive said she wanted to kill someone.  Now, she’s 3 years old, so this of course sent me into a panic “Oh my God, how can my little angel have this thought and say it so boldly out loud?  What have I done as a mother to instil such violence in her thinking?  Perhaps she is picking up on some deep inner rage and suffering that I haven’t dealt with yet and this is the result…yes, this is proof of what a terrible job I’ve done as a mother”  and on and on.  These thoughts are almost imperceptible because they happen so fast, but they imprint a deep feeling that this behaviour must stop and be covered up immediately.  So then, I feel that more than anything, my job now is to strongly (and without delay) get the message across that these thoughts “I want to kill her” are uninvited, unwelcome and they must be pushed away and never rear their ugly heads again.  And then it is easy to see why it felt natural (and the ‘right’ thing to do) to admonish Olive for thinking such negative thoughts and saying them aloud, without really taking the time to ask her what that meant to her and where it might be coming from.

But there is another option.  What if I were to stop in the instant of hearing ‘I want to kill her’ and just let myself be stunned for a moment. And stay there, in that moment, in an open (not pushing anything away) curious (being super aware and unattached to the reactionary flood of my own thoughts/reactions/emotions, as well as staying attuned with what appears to be going on in Olive) and totally present (stay completely alert with all senses in the moment), way. Who knows what might happen?  Just doing this alone is enough to withdraw attention from the conditioned/reactionary mind and into the vast intelligent awareness that will bring forth a perfect ‘solution’ or ‘action’ if needed.  At the times when I’m really falling prey to my emotions (always fuelled by negative thoughts about myself that I am believing in that moment), I find it helpful to employ Byron Katie’s questions from ‘The Work’.  So in this case, I could ask ‘is it true that she shouldn’t be saying this?’  ‘is it true that I need to reprimend her for this?’ and then I have to be willing to stay present in that ‘not-knowing’. Only from there can an intelligence beyond the reactionary impulses of my emotional/mental bodies arise. 

As parents we think we are supposed to ‘know’, isn’t it supposed to be our job to teach right from wrong and instil values, morals and good behaviour? I believe we need to deeply question our role as parents in relation to the specifics of how and why we guide our children’s behaviour.  This is tricky territory I know.  There are so many different schools of thought on how to raise a child, and so many of them have brilliant and profound ideas on guiding behaviour.  But all of them still have subtle blueprints of what the ‘ideal behaviour’ looks like.  So this in itself is already imposing an external ideal on a child which limits her own capacity to express and discover her own uniqueness, her own creativity, her own innate wisdom.  What if we refocused our role from trying to guide our children’s behaviour, to that of providing a space where they can discover their innate intelligence, creativity and compassion that operates as the foundation upon which all other learning (which is secondary) takes place?  The knowing of the self is first.

Sounds good, but how the heck do we do this?  Obviously we can’t condone our children’s negative or violent thinking or behaviour, so how do we consciously attend to it?  I believe that a powerful starting place is to notice the affect their actions/behaviour have on us – and being truthful about that (to ourselves, if not to our kids). We could sit quietly and not engage with our reactions, but instead just be fully present, and know this is enough. This is unconditional support, this is loving, this is being present.  When appropriate, we could start modelling to our children what we do when unsavoury thoughts arise in us; we can show them that we recognize that we have a choice to believe those thoughts or not (even if they come from the most authoritative source – society, our parents, our longest-held beliefs, etc). We can be willing to show our vulnerability of ‘not-knowing’, but also show the strength of what that ‘not-knowing’ allows to come forth. We have a great opportunity and reason to model a conscious questioning of thoughts, even and especially if we believe we can never be freed from them. Through that, we can discover the falseness of those beliefs, and then directly experience a greater, deeper, more compassionate, creative and loving knowingness (that doesn’t ‘know’ anything for certain, but is certain in and of its presence) that effortlessly emerges.   This is your true self – this is your presence, your intelligence beyond your thinking mind.  This is the unconditioned, unknowable part of us that needs to be called forth if we are to raise children who never become separated from their essential selves.  By nurturing the recognition of and allegiance to our deep/true Self, we create for ourselves the opportunity to raise children who will be able to remain creative, joyful, and naturally loving into adulthood. With their innate creative intelligence intact, these same children will also be able to effortlessly contribute creative and compassionate solutions for the planet and for humanity.

At the end of the day, we could just be more gentle and compassionate towards ourselves for not knowing what to do… we could just love everything within that inner parent that is trying so hard to ‘get it right’.  And of course, we can keep noticing the vast and tender awareness that all of this is happening within.