Category: non-dual understanding

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The key of Self-compassion

Hello dear ones,

The past three months have been exquisitely full of coaching and teaching others in bringing a mindful awareness to all the aspects of life that can have a tendency to throw us off (our bodies, our minds, our emotions, our conditioning, our circumstances….).  It has deepened my practice of holding space for others with a full present attention, openness and without pretence or armour.  I’ve absolutely loved every moment of it.  It hasn’t left me with much time to write though! So today I wanted to share some insights on something that I’ve often witnessed with my clients that seems to truly be a precious key to unlocking and alleviating a tremendous weight: self-compassion.

Of course.  It makes sense even to our minds that to be compassionate towards ourselves is a step in the right direction.  But it is astonishing to me how much animosity and self-blame we can carry when certain uncomfortable emotional or mental patterns are present.

In one of the classes I teach, I share a story from Buddhist philosophy of Mara the demon God. Mara represents the darker aspects of human psyche such as temptation, desire, fears, doubt and anger.  After enlightenment, the Buddha’s attendant Ananda would see Mara appear and run to the Buddha saying ‘oh no, Mara’s here, what should I do?’  The Buddha would not try to drive him away, but would say ‘I see you Mara’ and graciously invite him in for tea.

I love this story.  Aside from it offering the insight that challenging emotions/states don’t actually disappear altogether even for fully awakened beings, hearing it transformed the relationship I have with my own emotions.  I now see them as visiting energies that appear to be understood rather than bothersome obstacles that are holding me back.  The practice of saying ‘I see you Mara’ helps to tell the truth about the fact that whatever ‘Mara’ represents in the moment (anger, overwhelm, restlessness, etc) is here.  Even that seemingly small step of telling the truth about what is here (even if we don’t like it) is profoundly liberating on a deep level.

I also love sharing a modification of Thich Nhat Hanh’s beautiful teaching that can be applied to ourselves when a challenging emotion or circumstance arises.  It can be helpful to start by taking a few deep and full breaths with a hand on the heart.  Then we can simply say ‘Darling (or whatever name or nickname makes you feel seen/loved) I am here for you’ and then ‘Darling, I know you suffer’.   I find this is an incredibly powerful practice for compassionately acknowledging our own pain as it arises and for accessing the support of a deeper and wiser part of ourselves that we may not usually be in touch with.  So often we judge the pain we have and we make ourselves wrong in some way because of its presence. We often take action to compensate for this judgement.  As I’m sure you already know well (because we all do this!) this leads to a series of ‘unconscious’ or reactive impulses that can never lead to lasting fulfillment, resolution or peace.

If on the other hand we can learn to tell the truth about the pain that comes into our experience without judgement (and even with a compassionate interest) we may start to experience it in a different way. In doing this, we can radically transform our relationship with ourselves. Side-effects of this practice seem to consistently be a natural deepening of self acceptance and self understanding towards ourselves and others.

It is truly incredible to watch what happens as we start to befriend ourselves in this way. I love Pema Chodron’s quote: ‘Through spiritual practice we are learning to make friends with ourselves and our life at the most profound level possible’.

So this piece of self-kindness is significant in the work of cultivating a more wise and aware presence in our life.  In Western culture, we aren’t conditioned to be overly compassionate towards ourselves, so this is an area that does indeed take practice.

Just as an experiment, for the next little while, try to notice how kind (or unkind) you are to yourself when challenging emotions, thoughts or circumstances arise.  Find out who Mara is for you – invite him to tea.  See if it is possible to find a way (with these ideas or others) to be compassionate towards yourself regardless of what is with you in your experience.  I’d love to hear about it if you feel inspired to share in a comment.

Sending love and encouragement always,

Laura

ps – I’m available for coaching on most Tuesdays and Thursdays (email me if those times don’t work for you).

 

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The wise heart

So I’ve noticed something that has been incredibly helpful….

Sometimes as we work through different emotions (meaning staying present and openly and directly experiencing whatever comes up) we can find ourselves in a place where we aren’t sure what we are feeling.  It may be experienced as numbness or confusion or just a sense of being disconnected and disoriented.  This is where many people start to come ‘out of inquiry’… because the regular reference point of mind (as the ‘knower’) is no longer able to discern what is going on, freaks out and tries to run like hell.  But here’s what I say:

Stay there.

Breathe.

Just stay open and curious.

What you’re experiencing doesn’t need a name,

it doesn’t need to be classified

it doesn’t need to be attached to a certain memory

or even understood.

It just needs to be experienced with the company of your full attention.

So breathe.

Your job is to notice as much as you can, as fully as you can, without armour.

Naked and fearless

don’t bring in anything but you.

Open yourself to whatever is here and gently ask

and what is this?

Whether you suddenly fall out of this numb confusion

onto the sharp point of  a memory

or not

doesn’t matter.

All that’s needed is the unwavering presence of your wise heart

which can only be where you are

always.

So much love and blessings today, L.

Click here to read ‘Loneliness as the Supreme Teacher’ (by Kamia Shepherd)

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The Divine Grump

Sometimes even the Grump can lead us to greater awareness…. You know those days when you just wake up grumpy?  I had one of those recently, complete with a dark mind full of complaints darting around like fish appearing out of the murk. There was a loud and convincing story about all the work that would attack me as soon as I got out of bed and even though I knew I was indulging in some wallowing, I couldn’t quite shake it.

Then out of nowhere, I was hit by a sudden flood of total compassion and acceptance towards this ‘Grump’, coupled with a playful ‘jeesh, what a ‘GRUMP!!’ It was like one moment, the Grump was who I was, and then the next, the walls around that identity fell away and I was there standing in the centre of that role but seeing it had nothing to do with who I am in the least.  The presence of this sudden awareness and playfulness towards the Grump caught me off guard in a way that is feeling more and more familiar- as did the state of TOTAL acceptance and even delight due to the hilarity of its antics. This was so much deeper and genuine than the times when the Grump had decided to try to ‘look on the bright side’ and not be grumpy anymore…

So, the message here is that the Grump can’t think its way to clear seeing.  The Grump (and all its other moods and modes) is who we believe ourselves to be. We think we are navigating from ‘inside’ the Grump.  The Grump is the one who thinks it can and will ‘wake’ up one day and ‘see it all’.  But the Grump stays – the mind stays.  This is a huge clue of where not to keep searching.  If the question ‘where else is there to look’ arises… good!!  Ask that question and just listen and notice.  When the mind starts to narrate the experience (and probably with a voice that sees a ‘failure’ of ‘finding anything’) notice that too… stay with this alert noticing…

I think all of us who are on this path of awakening go through this.  While our hearts may lead us to the path, our egos kick in and start to interpret, process and ‘practice’.  This is natural – this is exactly what we’ve been conditioned to do and we do it well.  We hear that we need to ‘accept’ and so we then ‘try’ to will ourselves into accepting the darker aspects of mind and personality that comes with our bodies.  We try to accept all elements of ‘mind’ with mind.  This can fuel frustration and feelings of self-defeat for many of us because as well-intentioned and genuine this effort is, we can’t will our way into true acceptance.

A point may come where we start ‘practicing acceptance’ mentally, but in reality we haven’t actually had the experience of full acceptance (thus repressing our resistance out of our conscious awareness….pushing us deeper into unconsciousness). And then we wonder why we are still so bound to this finite identity when we should ‘know better’.  Ah…. the despair of the path…. but this is the juiciness of it…. when we see all of this – and can tell the truth about it and admit that we ‘don’t know’ ‘how’ to ‘do this’, we enter into a state of humility and openness.  This is the state that makes us receptive to the possibility of directly and clearly (and instantly) recognizing something that rings with the sweetness of a deep truth at your core.

Sending playful compassion to the Grump in you,

Laura xx

ps  I have put up a calendar on my ‘private and group meetings’ page if you’d like to book an appointment (I’d love to work with you- even one session can poke some serious holes in your belief in yourself as being the ‘Grump’!!).