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facing despair

Gangaji speaks about the essential jump – where we plunge our consciousness all the way through whatever identities we have believed ourselves to be – into the abyss of despair.  This may not sound like the most fun way to spend your time…and in truth, most of us take drastic measures to avoid this gnawing pit. But at some point, we must be willing to recognize that when we continually avoid this deep wound, we build up a storyline on top of it that is fuelled on a very deep (almost imperceptible) level by avoidance of this foggy and miserable sadness.  So we end up carrying that sadness everywhere – and as you know, it comes up through the cracks in all sorts of crazy (and crazy-making) ways.

So eventually, we must face this abyss. Life will carry us to this most mysterious choice-less decision to consciously and willingly explore this churning darkness.  Arriving at this moment is the most terrifying and sacred gift.  We know we must jump into this abyss unarmed, unprotected, undefended… we must be willing to free fall into the centre of it – with no escape hatch.

Until we face this most essential wound – we live in avoidance of it.  Many of you already know this is so in your own life.

I am here to tell you there is no hard landing at the bottom of this jump.  When we are truly willing to face – to open ourselves to fully face and feel this despair – to let it break our hearts – and to continue going towards the most excruciating epicentre of it anyway…. there is something tremendously alive, vibrantly conscious and profoundly loving waiting ~for you~ at the centre.  Once we fully recognize the truth of ourself – not as a concept or some lovely idea we’ve heard from someone else, but directly for ourselves… there is a realization that it cannot ever be (and never was) unmet.  The mind cannot ever grasp this – and if it tells you it has, that is not the truth….

There is a catch though, we can’t dive in looking for this ‘something at the centre’… we must go in fully willing to let it consume us completely… to be fully devastated by our own despair….. not ‘for a little while’  or for ‘just a peek’ – but an eyes wide open, deep dive into the possible foreverness of this despair.

The despair is the flagging tape, showing you where the portage starts – through a tangled forest to the long-forgotten, long-avoided well – the abyss.

This is a most sacred journey.

So much love and support – and encouragement <3

L.

ps email me if you would like to book some time with me!…..xoxo

theawakeningheart@laurapshaw.com

 

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who is the thinker?

True self-inquiry, that teachers like Gangaji, Byron Katie, Mooji and Dr. Kathryn Jefferies invite, is both terrifying and liberating.  The actual inquiring is a journey that each of us must take alone.  I have found that once we get familiar with ‘checking’ our thinking, then we can start to ‘check’ WHO the ‘thinker’ is?  Here’s what ‘inquiry’ has looked like in my experience.

Ask: ‘on who’s behalf am I engaging all these thoughts, emotions, craziness….?”

“On my behalf!!” 

“but who is that ‘my’?”  

“ME!!  The ‘me’ in this body, the ‘me’ that’s always been here….”

“ok, but where is that ‘me’ right now?  Try to access that ‘me’ without digging into the past….”

“it just is who I am”

“but who is that ‘I’? – look carefully”

 “Argh!!  I don’t know… now I’m confused… I don’t know what’s here now…..”

 “yes, go into that ‘don’t-know'”

  …… (long pause)…..”There is no ‘real’ ‘I’ there – I can pull up thoughts/accomplishments/ things of the past to create or give proof of a sense of ‘me’ that has existed and still claims to exist, but I have to rely on the past for that to hold water.  Right now, none of that is actually here.”

“and so who needs to defend itself now?”

“no-one, there is no person actually there that needs defence….”

“and how are all those emotions and thoughts met now?”

“just with space, no resistance there whatsoever – only the idea of ‘me’ brings on tremendous resistance…..when that idea is let go of, anything can come freely…. wow”

So when we see that this ‘me’ that we are so sure of, actually only exists as an idea in our mind on who’s behalf we have been defending, justifying, and experiencing all of life , the bottom of that compelling idea no longer has anything to keep it together and just falls away.  The idea of ‘me’ has been seen and we are left in (and as) the awareness that sees……This awareness is unaffected by whatever thought or emotion arises – as they will.

This is not a concept to intellectualize or a belief to adopt – it must be experienced for oneself.  If you come back from the journey ‘knowing’ something, you haven’t quite gotten to the bottom of those deep deep taproots of ‘me’.

What remains when all else is seen is your true self.

Much love xx

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Dissolving the murkiness with awareness

Hello friends,

It is a drizzly morning here in Golden and I’m hanging out in the richness and beauty of melancholy that rain seems to invite.  I love this clip of Gangaji speaking about the self-hatred that exists in most humans -the murky dark energy within our personality that we spend so much time (our entire lifetime – or lifetimes!) trying to fix, escape, deny, or dramatize.  Then, she speaks of the liberation we can experience when we finally meet it head on.  Until recently, I’ve never really known what that meant – to meet something head on……

So lately I have been observing how I as conscious loving awareness relate to this murkiness that exists within my personality.  I see that the truth of who I am in any and every moment cannot be bound in any way to the past or future.  The awareness that I am is simply always Here – unaffected by time or circumstance.  So I notice that when deep emotions related to the realm of time and circumstance surface (and engulf the personality)- or when this active mind continues to function – remembering, dreaming, creating, fretting…..  there has been a dramatic change in what happens (and this has been a profound shift because like most people, I’ve always had intense and complex emotions churning within my personality). And the result is, it is no longer possible for me to be afraid of them taking me (or keeping me) as their prisoner.  The change is this:

I now experience (not just ‘know’ but actually experience) the truth that these emotions, this pain, these thoughts, are not who I am. I am the conscious loving space that they can unfold in.

And again, like most people, there’s lots of sadness and confusion that has been locked up in this body, thoughts and emotions for decades, but now I am able to really explore the nuances of it all without the fear of ‘falling in’ deeper.  There is a soft, vast space and an effortless willingness to let everything that I’ve been holding in, or hiding from, or unnecessarily believing, to be seen and understood – and a tending to them as I would a beloved child. It can be painful and heartbreaking to see the extent of what has been held as truth… but as I stop ‘fixing’, denying and dramatizing, and instead just give ample space to whatever needs to unravel…. the story of it all, the pain, the energy –  all exits once it has been fully expressed.   

So these days, I’ve been noticing the paradox of the heaviness of things coming up to be seen, (and as a side-note, this process is as rapid as the depth of my willingness to greet it fully – then understanding and resolve can happen in just moments for me) and the absolutely blissful and joyful lightness that occurs when decades of trapped sadness disappears from my body.  I am not looking for things to ‘heal’  there is no list – oh, i better work on that, and oh, here’s a pattern that I better put on the list.  No.  I just live my life, do what this body/mind wants and needs to do in everyday life – and through it all, I remain aware of the truth of myself – always Here, and therefore open and willing to meet whatever arises.  It’s terrifying and mysterious and exhilarating –  but finally I am truly Here.

It is my hope that by sharing my process like this – transparently and intimately, you too will be able to recognize the greater truth and presence of being that is behind, underneath and free from all of the apparent limitations of your mind, body and emotions.

Peace xx

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRd3lZJL-AA