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We do not control our thoughts

I realized once again today that the thoughts that bubble up are as unexpected as the dragonfly that just zipped by my window.

I was reading some incredible writing by my dear friend Dr. Kathryn Jefferies, and in it, she reflects on how we automatically believe our thoughts because we believe there is personal agency in creating them.  If we really inquire into this directly, experientially, (just try to predict your next thought!!), we see that the thoughts that arise are not within our realm of ‘control’.  Personal agency does come in however, when it comes to what we do (to ourselves and to others) with those thoughts.

Right now my practice is to notice what is noticing my thoughts. I’m marinating my attention in that space, that awareness behind thought (which is my true self).  I can see the ‘known’ path of thought-emotion-action, and I can still often feel the pull to go down that path.  But I also see that that path is propelled by a thought (a vivid and persuasive image in my head that says something has to be done, fixed, changed or created to make something better) not by the simple, peaceful, already-whole, already here, truth of being.

I used to have so much loyalty to my thoughts – I truly believed my job was to take the best action I could in response to whatever thoughts and emotions came up.  Now I see the power all those thoughts had over me, because of my belief in them.  Through inquiry, I’m checking them out a bit more carefully before taking any action (because I’ve seen how harmful the action I take can be – even if the action is allowing myself to stew in stress and therefore miss great moments being truly present with my kids).  So now as I check the thoughts  (at least the ones that get me internally hung up on something), I’m able to stop myself from going down that (unconscious) path.

And, a new way of being present to the depth, beauty, humour and mystery of reality is constantly taking me by surprise.

 

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Dissolving the murkiness with awareness

Hello friends,

It is a drizzly morning here in Golden and I’m hanging out in the richness and beauty of melancholy that rain seems to invite.  I love this clip of Gangaji speaking about the self-hatred that exists in most humans -the murky dark energy within our personality that we spend so much time (our entire lifetime – or lifetimes!) trying to fix, escape, deny, or dramatize.  Then, she speaks of the liberation we can experience when we finally meet it head on.  Until recently, I’ve never really known what that meant – to meet something head on……

So lately I have been observing how I as conscious loving awareness relate to this murkiness that exists within my personality.  I see that the truth of who I am in any and every moment cannot be bound in any way to the past or future.  The awareness that I am is simply always Here – unaffected by time or circumstance.  So I notice that when deep emotions related to the realm of time and circumstance surface (and engulf the personality)- or when this active mind continues to function – remembering, dreaming, creating, fretting…..  there has been a dramatic change in what happens (and this has been a profound shift because like most people, I’ve always had intense and complex emotions churning within my personality). And the result is, it is no longer possible for me to be afraid of them taking me (or keeping me) as their prisoner.  The change is this:

I now experience (not just ‘know’ but actually experience) the truth that these emotions, this pain, these thoughts, are not who I am. I am the conscious loving space that they can unfold in.

And again, like most people, there’s lots of sadness and confusion that has been locked up in this body, thoughts and emotions for decades, but now I am able to really explore the nuances of it all without the fear of ‘falling in’ deeper.  There is a soft, vast space and an effortless willingness to let everything that I’ve been holding in, or hiding from, or unnecessarily believing, to be seen and understood – and a tending to them as I would a beloved child. It can be painful and heartbreaking to see the extent of what has been held as truth… but as I stop ‘fixing’, denying and dramatizing, and instead just give ample space to whatever needs to unravel…. the story of it all, the pain, the energy –  all exits once it has been fully expressed.   

So these days, I’ve been noticing the paradox of the heaviness of things coming up to be seen, (and as a side-note, this process is as rapid as the depth of my willingness to greet it fully – then understanding and resolve can happen in just moments for me) and the absolutely blissful and joyful lightness that occurs when decades of trapped sadness disappears from my body.  I am not looking for things to ‘heal’  there is no list – oh, i better work on that, and oh, here’s a pattern that I better put on the list.  No.  I just live my life, do what this body/mind wants and needs to do in everyday life – and through it all, I remain aware of the truth of myself – always Here, and therefore open and willing to meet whatever arises.  It’s terrifying and mysterious and exhilarating –  but finally I am truly Here.

It is my hope that by sharing my process like this – transparently and intimately, you too will be able to recognize the greater truth and presence of being that is behind, underneath and free from all of the apparent limitations of your mind, body and emotions.

Peace xx

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRd3lZJL-AA