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Give up trying to ‘wake up’ and just enjoy!

The last thing I want to be encouraging, or promoting, or instigating here is another ‘goal’ to try to reach – to be a better person, or a more ‘spiritual’ person. This is not a puzzle that your mind needs to sink into to ‘solve’ or even understand.  But our minds automatically work that way, and so this path can be extremely frustrating because ultimately this deep recognition is not of the mind….. in this post I want to share about how much peace flooded in once I gave up ‘trying’…..

I wanted to ‘understand’ what Papaji, Gangaji, Ramana, Rumi and Hafiz were talking (raving) about so much – I wanted to experience what they were experiencing.  I wanted to see the seer.  I was so deeply frustrated at myself for not ‘getting it’ that finally I threw in the towel.  I decided this wasn’t for me anymore – this ‘experiencing ourselves as pure awareness’ – or truly experiencing life with ‘no separation’ – just wasn’t happening in my actual living experience.  At one point I decided that maybe they were full of shit – that they too weren’t actually living it, but just talking about it as though they were.  So I wrote it all off.

But as it turned out, the desire for freedom, for true peace, was not just in my mind (it was amazing how my mind adopted this desire too). I found that this desire was coming from somewhere much deeper.  So I was at a funny place of total resignation – but there was a tiny coal of desire still glowing deep in my being.   At that point, I knew that if I ‘tried’ to do anything, it wouldn’t ‘work’ (notice how the mind here still saw ‘awakening’ as something other than where I already was). I wanted to keep trying, and sometimes I still ‘tried’ (by listening to Papaji’s videos deeply, or meditating, or trying to reach my mind/energy into an imaginary pocket of ‘peace’), but something in me already knew that wasn’t the way- I had tried everything.  So the time came when I stopped trying altogether…..But that little coal still glowed.

I felt such a deep relief in letting go of all the ‘trying’ – it had felt like such an upstream swim without any eddies to rest in.  It felt so much better to just let go and not worry about ‘attaining awareness’ anymore and instead just have more fun.  I found that letting go of my effort really allowed me to enjoy where I was more – there was an easy ‘yes’ to all the great things that were happening moment by moment in my life.  Something deep started to shift in this period as my desire for peace quietly (but fiercely) grew while my effort to attain it completely melted away.

And that brings us to we are right now – all of my inspiration that I’m sharing in this blog here is coming from a bubbling over of this joy and peace and clarity that is flowing from whatever it is that is conscious, awake, alive and here.  It is totally mysterious to me, unpredictable and honestly has NOTHING to do with ‘me’.  Even the desire and action of  starting a blog and writing regularly is pulled by this mystery – I have no idea where it is going – I am truly just along for the ride.  I (as an individual body/mind) am reading these words as they come – not the writer -but the reader, just as you are.

I am no longer concerned if I’ve ‘reached awakening’ or not – there is a carefree lightness that laughs at the attempt to measure that anyway. Who cares??? =) I know that the part of me that was striving for understanding – or to experience something someone else has – is gone.  I am so excited about not feeling trapped in my unconscious patterns anymore – that is truly liberating – and I feel passionate about helping others (who want it) become aware of how they buy into their own unconscious patterns… but I find I never speak a word about any of this in my everyday life (unless it comes up – then of course I’m so glad to).  Now I find myself just enjoying all the forms in this world so deeply. I love being surprised by, and playing with the world through the form of my personality, my body, my emotions, my silly dance moves, my ideas – my actions.  My relationship to all of these things has changed – now it is all very mysterious and spontaneous and the range of what manifests is surprising.

So instead of trying to grasp some concept, or to have a ‘deeper’ experience in some way, what feels most truthful to me is just to experience whatever is here fully – people, music, making meals, changing diapers, watching thoughts, watching actions, swimming laps, doing yoga, hearing dirty jokes fly from my mouth, drinking a jar of green juice, sipping on a glass of wine, eating chocolate chips, noticing the immovable blissful consciousness that fuels everything…..

So my two cents is – if you truly have that desire for freedom, for peace, notice the glow of that little coal, and other than that, give up the ‘trying’ to ‘wake up’ and just enjoy your life with every fibre of your being.    

Peace and deep joy xx

 

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Do we need to meditate to awaken?

A dear friend (who is also raising young twins) recently asked me if I meditate every single day.  In that moment, we were engulfed in the cacophony and activity of our small children, so our exchange on this beautiful question was short.  I’d like to explore it more here.

Do I meditate?  It depends on what is meant by meditating (and on who this ‘meditator’ is, but we’ll get to that in a bit)….  For years and years, I diligently practiced transcendental meditation.  I was drawn to it to calm the mind, and to become consciously aware of the ‘gap’ between thoughts.   TM was beneficial – it definitely brought a deep peace to my mind and body, and at the time, I attributed my increased creativity, energy and ability to be more present and joyful to my meditation practice. It was great for reducing stress and when I was in school, I found it increased my ability to easily retain knowledge.  So for these reasons, meditation has been very useful for me. But I can see now that I was striving for something in this practice. And by ‘I’, I mean the ‘I’ that was seeking inner peace and fulfillment.  The ‘I’ that thought meditation would be a good vehicle to arrive at the Truth of being.

And the truth is, to recognize the consciousness that we are, meditation is not necessary.

In fact, if meditation is used for this purpose, it can become just another strategy, or practice that the mind adopts in pursuit of something.  But we can’t pursue something that we ARE.  The only way we can truly see what we are is by stopping all pursuits, all concepts around peace, and all desire for ‘finding something’ completely.  The action of striving is what keeps us stuck.

If you weren’t striving for peace, in other words, if you were able to truly let go of that desire for peace, what would there be?  This is a question to feel and experience rather than to think about……The mind thinks there would be a feeling of defeat, frustration or resignation… and maybe that is what the mind would experience, but there is also something deeper there to be recognized.

So now, my meditation has changed.  Now I see the tendency of mind to claim things to support the existence of a ‘me’ (as an independent little ‘free willed’ engine)….. it claims everything to bolster this illusory identity “my country”, “my kids”, “my fingernails”, “my cardiovascular system”, “my ideas”…. it sees everything from a perspective of a central ‘me’.  But now, I see that our bodies, our thoughts, our biological and personal histories are a (brilliant) function of form, and they are alive and real and important -but who and what we are is not limited to the functions of these forms.  The mind sees everything as a relationship to ‘itself’, but what the mind can’t see is that everything is Self – including the mind.  The mind classifies and categorizes, but the Self includes all with no classification, no separation. The definition of self that the mind believes in, is just a function of the mind. So what is happening here is that we experience a function of the mind so deeply that we come to believe that this is the totality of who we are.  Once we see this …. we can see it in action – and we are no longer bound by it. We can see this function – and we don’t have to make it go away or change it, but we know it for what it is, including its limitations.

That is my ‘meditation’ now.  To hold my awareness on what is here and not collapse into unconsciously believing the mind’s identification with (or pursuit of) anything other than what is.  Now when I sit in silence (or in noise), I’m just Here, aware of being aware.  If I use a mantra (which I rarely do anymore) – it is to play with the beauty of the world of form.

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Awakening is not about sticking our heads in the sand

There is a misconception about spiritual awakening, or spirituality in general that I’d like to explore…..this post echoes a previous post (I guess I need to write about it again to gain clarity!)

Many people come to spirituality as another escape. As a way to feel better, to find bliss or achieve another goal – perhaps enlightenment.  This is natural, as human beings we seek refuge from our pain.  But then spirituality becomes a place to avoid reality.  Some of us use it to even avoid our own thoughts and emotions – we retreat deeply into this imaginary little cave where we convince ourselves we have found ‘nothingness’ and we stay there, determined to remain untouched – to remain separate – even from our own inner processes.  Staying in this ‘little cave’ and believing this is the way to stay true to ‘the moment’ is a stage that many of us go through – so no need to feel defeated, let’s just get clear.

Obviously this attempt at finding peace is not very useful (and kind of funny when we look at it this way, no?).  It also makes any ongoing assistance, or projects, or work in the world impossible – because we’ve pigeon-holed ourselves into thinking that any ‘effort’ is futile because it is all of the ‘ego’, which isn’t ‘real’….. oh my goodness…. the confusion……!!!   

So essentially, there is a tendency to use spirituality as another method of denial – another way to push away pain (our pain and the world’s- ultimately one in the same) and relinquish our responsibility to each other and to the planet.

So how do we respond to the planet – that could greatly benefit from our wise attention and conscious action in a way that isn’t propelled by mere conditioning, fear, hatred and despair?  Or even by hope?

We must awaken and then see.  A response from pure awareness – from truly conscious seeing seems a good way to go.  But how?

We need to first become honest with ourselves about our capacity to remain present with all of our inner processes (including all thoughts, emotions). I know you’ve heard this a million times, but truthfully, I think we often believe we are ‘being conscious and aware’ when in reality we are stuffing lots that we don’t want to deal with away, right?  (To do this, we don’t have to look for moments from the past to re-live, we must simply acknowledge and honour whatever comes up with deep attention). We can then develop the capacity to actually respond consciously (and effectively) to the reality of the moment – for real.  

The reality of a moment might include a thought or intense emotion or discussion or campaign about Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Nigeria, Cameroon, Niger, Chad or any countless other parts of the world that are in intense conflict and pain.  As we (as individuals) continue to become more conscious, more awake, not only does a deeper wisdom become available (on how to act, or what to do), but our sense of self begins to expand into a much larger sense of Self – which ultimately includes all.  So without effort, a deeper sense of responsibility and compassion naturally arise.  Any action taken from this depth of being will have a far greater effect than action taken from reactive fear, obligation, or from ‘trying’ to be compassionate or responsible because it seems like the ‘right’ thing to do or be.

When it comes to addressing the ecological crises (and collapse) that we are facing, or resolving long-standing violent conflict, it is our mind’s tendency to strategize elaborate plans. This is natural.  This is how we’ve been taught – we are trying to do the right thing….

But this must be led by the wisdom of our Heart.

This awakened wisdom is already flowing- it is already what we are- we just don’t know it (or, we are just starting to become aware of it – this is exciting).  So becoming aware of it and living in support of it is the foundation- for everything. 

The draw to explore this deeply – and to reach out to others exploring the same is so primary to me….so fundamental…. so necessary.  This is why I’m writing.  This is why I’m Here.

From the directives of our Heart, our brilliant minds can then spontaneously be used to carry out anything that might be required in the field of action.  In this way, the solutions will be immediately orchestrated from beyond the limitations of the mind. They will be springing forth from the deepest, purest, most compassionate and most ingenious intelligence….

So please see that I’m not writing about putting our heads in the sand and shutting out the world so we can just enjoy the deep bliss of awareness. 

I’m not writing about how to bolster peace in a way that in actuality perpetuates ignorance….

I’m writing about waking up so we can exist in the awareness of who and what we are.

…. imagine…..

…..breathe…..

…..what’s Here in this moment?…….

Much love and support to you.  I’d love to hear your response to this!