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The temptation to react unconsciously to our kids….

It comes in the willingness to pause for a second and really look at our thoughts, or at the emotions that can pull at us as we plow through the hours of our days as a busy parent. When it comes to thinking about your children’s behaviour, is it possible for you to see that much of your feeling that you need to control or direct your children’s behaviour in a certain way comes from some prior conditioning? And perhaps even from the fear of not succeeding in meeting the expectations of that conditioning?  For example, the other day, Olive said she wanted to kill someone.  Now, she’s 3 years old, so this of course sent me into a panic “Oh my God, how can my little angel have this thought and say it so boldly out loud?  What have I done as a mother to instil such violence in her thinking?  Perhaps she is picking up on some deep inner rage and suffering that I haven’t dealt with yet and this is the result…yes, this is proof of what a terrible job I’ve done as a mother”  and on and on.  These thoughts are almost imperceptible because they happen so fast, but they imprint a deep feeling that this behaviour must stop and be covered up immediately.  So then, I feel that more than anything, my job now is to strongly (and without delay) get the message across that these thoughts “I want to kill her” are uninvited, unwelcome and they must be pushed away and never rear their ugly heads again.  And then it is easy to see why it felt natural (and the ‘right’ thing to do) to admonish Olive for thinking such negative thoughts and saying them aloud, without really taking the time to ask her what that meant to her and where it might be coming from.

But there is another option.  What if I were to stop in the instant of hearing ‘I want to kill her’ and just let myself be stunned for a moment. And stay there, in that moment, in an open (not pushing anything away) curious (being super aware and unattached to the reactionary flood of my own thoughts/reactions/emotions, as well as staying attuned with what appears to be going on in Olive) and totally present (stay completely alert with all senses in the moment), way. Who knows what might happen?  Just doing this alone is enough to withdraw attention from the conditioned/reactionary mind and into the vast intelligent awareness that will bring forth a perfect ‘solution’ or ‘action’ if needed.  At the times when I’m really falling prey to my emotions (always fuelled by negative thoughts about myself that I am believing in that moment), I find it helpful to employ Byron Katie’s questions from ‘The Work’.  So in this case, I could ask ‘is it true that she shouldn’t be saying this?’  ‘is it true that I need to reprimend her for this?’ and then I have to be willing to stay present in that ‘not-knowing’. Only from there can an intelligence beyond the reactionary impulses of my emotional/mental bodies arise. 

As parents we think we are supposed to ‘know’, isn’t it supposed to be our job to teach right from wrong and instil values, morals and good behaviour? I believe we need to deeply question our role as parents in relation to the specifics of how and why we guide our children’s behaviour.  This is tricky territory I know.  There are so many different schools of thought on how to raise a child, and so many of them have brilliant and profound ideas on guiding behaviour.  But all of them still have subtle blueprints of what the ‘ideal behaviour’ looks like.  So this in itself is already imposing an external ideal on a child which limits her own capacity to express and discover her own uniqueness, her own creativity, her own innate wisdom.  What if we refocused our role from trying to guide our children’s behaviour, to that of providing a space where they can discover their innate intelligence, creativity and compassion that operates as the foundation upon which all other learning (which is secondary) takes place?  The knowing of the self is first.

Sounds good, but how the heck do we do this?  Obviously we can’t condone our children’s negative or violent thinking or behaviour, so how do we consciously attend to it?  I believe that a powerful starting place is to notice the affect their actions/behaviour have on us – and being truthful about that (to ourselves, if not to our kids). We could sit quietly and not engage with our reactions, but instead just be fully present, and know this is enough. This is unconditional support, this is loving, this is being present.  When appropriate, we could start modelling to our children what we do when unsavoury thoughts arise in us; we can show them that we recognize that we have a choice to believe those thoughts or not (even if they come from the most authoritative source – society, our parents, our longest-held beliefs, etc). We can be willing to show our vulnerability of ‘not-knowing’, but also show the strength of what that ‘not-knowing’ allows to come forth. We have a great opportunity and reason to model a conscious questioning of thoughts, even and especially if we believe we can never be freed from them. Through that, we can discover the falseness of those beliefs, and then directly experience a greater, deeper, more compassionate, creative and loving knowingness (that doesn’t ‘know’ anything for certain, but is certain in and of its presence) that effortlessly emerges.   This is your true self – this is your presence, your intelligence beyond your thinking mind.  This is the unconditioned, unknowable part of us that needs to be called forth if we are to raise children who never become separated from their essential selves.  By nurturing the recognition of and allegiance to our deep/true Self, we create for ourselves the opportunity to raise children who will be able to remain creative, joyful, and naturally loving into adulthood. With their innate creative intelligence intact, these same children will also be able to effortlessly contribute creative and compassionate solutions for the planet and for humanity.

At the end of the day, we could just be more gentle and compassionate towards ourselves for not knowing what to do… we could just love everything within that inner parent that is trying so hard to ‘get it right’.  And of course, we can keep noticing the vast and tender awareness that all of this is happening within.


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Why Awakening to the Truth of who we are matters for the planet

So I’d like to start today’s writing with an honest account of where I’m at in this ‘awakening’ thing because I’m still new to it all – well, the truth of who I am isn’t new to any of it of course, but the shift in identity from ego to awareness is very new and still unfolding.

When I was ‘in pursuit’ of awakening, I was humbly reminded again and again that the one who ‘wants enlightenment’ is the very one who is in the way. This is a big clue for me… it is easy for me to notice this inner seeker that wants to claw or meditate or ‘come into’ awareness…. and I know instantly to not look there, for the mind will never ‘get it’, and this is SO frustrating to the mind!!  So I leave the mind for a bit – it will still think and fret and do what it does, but I can also become aware of something else other than the mind…..an ocean of awareness behind it. This awareness is impossible to know or contain or categorize or pin down in any way, but it can be sensed and recognized.  That’s where I’m at (and it’s only the ego that would try to determine if one is ‘awake’ or not!). I see the mind and often fall into it and follow its dreams for a while, then realize what I’m doing and my attention is back to that ocean of awareness.  Even when I’m thinking, or doing tasks that range in mental complexity from taking a sip of tea to cooking three different dinners while holding two babies and singing baa baa black sheep, I still keep part of my attention on this ocean of awareness.

So why does this all matter for the planet?  For many, spiritual paths are undertaken to avoid or alleviate suffering.  We realize we are anxious and stressed, so we do yoga, chant a mantra or meditate to chill out a bit.  We want to escape the pain of living and find a state of bliss.  Truthfully, the path has been partially about that for me.  But now as I become more conscious (which to me means that I don’t act on my unconscious impulses as often) I see it’s relevance to finding truly intelligent and effective solutions to the world’s problems.

Eckhart Tolle and Thich Nhat Hahn both have said that we have a responsibility to keep our internal landscapes clear.  If we take action while we are internally polluted (with negativity or from the suffering inherent in blindly following false beliefs), we create more suffering in the world, even when we have the best intentions.  I watched a video recently where a man was asking Thich Nhat Hahn how to deal with intense fear and anger.  This man was on a committee to stop chem trails over L.A.  He was fearful because the chemicals that are being emitted are poisonous to humans, so he himself as well as his family and friends and larger community are subjected to this poison, and he was angry because nobody seems to care or be doing anything about it.  So he asked Thich Nhat Hahn how to go about creating change when motivated by fear and anger.  Hahn’s answer was brilliant as always.  He said that we must first clean up our internal landscapes.  If we operate from a place of fear or anger, we will not be able to create any positive or true change.  He said the man was better off to write love letters to the ones spraying than hate letters.  He spoke of the power of coming to that place of peace, of love, look deeply into the illusion of the separate self, and then allow any action to be taken to arise from there.

This speaks so deeply to me.  When we become aware of the awareness that we are, it changes the very way we go about ‘seeking solutions’ in the world.  Now, this writing is tricky for me because I can imagine how it could easily be misunderstood, but please bear with me.  So I used to spend a lot of time and energy learning the details of a wide spectrum of global environmental, social, economic and political situations.  I helped start committees and I created curriculum to do my part in trying to help alleviate some of the dire situations on the planet.  At the time, I thought my greatest leverage point was in my ability to pass on my passion for learning, leading and educating and trigger the same in others. It was exhilarating, It felt empowering to think I ‘knew something about things’ enough to take a stand, to write articles, do talks…. I held strong convictions about who to point my finger towards to blame for our global problems.  I had students who I (still) adore who would look to me for my opinions on what is going on in the world and why….. 

…..but now I see things differently. I see how the rational mind needs to orient and examine the world’s problems in terms of an ‘us and them’  as a way to set the context for finding a solution.  This is how we are trained.  We need to know the history, see the mechanics, divide people into the good guys and the bad guys and so on.  Then we try to come up with a solution based on this context.  Do you see where I’m going with this?  With this method, we are completely entangled in history and unconsciously attached to layers of beliefs (that point to right and wrong, what is just or isn’t just, etc) that deeply limit the possibility of a fresh solution to arise.  Now, there is nothing wrong with learning about, talking about, thinking about or ‘knowing’ history (although we must acknowledge the subjectivity, bias and distortion of our memories anyway), but if we look for our solutions there, we come back to Einstein’s quote – where the world’s problems cannot be solved at the level of consciousness at which they were created.  It is so clear to me now that our conditioning makes us believe that this is a highly intelligent and keenly aware way to go about finding solutions.  But now I see that any solutions gained in this way will be largely unconscious.

So to consciously solve ‘problems’ we must let go of our agendas (even momentarily) and come back to the raw and terrifying intelligence of not-knowing. This is truly the only leverage point. The present moment – (not a point in time, but the place where you become aware of your awareness) is the only place where true creative intelligence can emerge.  We must come to recognize ourselves as pure conscious awareness (that has no past and no future) so that we see that we are unhitched from the past (even if we still ‘know’ about it) and we are completely free to act in a new, intelligent and conscious way. 

This is why awakening is so important.  We are free from the past – we are free to make new decisions every moment – but these are the decision-less decisions that arise as obvious choices when we operate from the truth of the spontaneous intelligent awareness that we are.

In truth – you are the world.  You are life.  You are this moment.  Everything you see, feel, know -it is all you.  So love love love it all.   The loving conscious awareness that you are is always here. It’s the only thing that is here.  


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Self-Inquiry and the Obliteration of “Me”

Self-Inquiry has been so powerful for me in obliterating my egoic identity and in turning my attention towards it’s source.  Just by asking ‘who am I’ makes the tendencies of the mind, or of the ‘psychological me’ immediately bob to the surface where they can be seen so clearly.  “I’m me, Laura Shaw, a mom who is off work right now, I have a master’s degree, oh, and remember the time I carried a canoe for 14 kms?  (such an ego in the ego hey?!!) I’m married to Nick, I live in this house…..” This “I” that claims to be so real immediately starts making a case for itself based on it’s personal biological history and it’s dreams and ambitions for the future. It gives a sense of being real.  It is who I’ve been trained to consider myself to be, and this training is (or seems to be) reinforced by our interactions with others, by our culture, and most powerfuly by our own thoughts about ourselves! So the next question of inquiry for me is ‘who is this I’ (that is giving me answers) – and the mind starts to quieten down a bit. And then “Who is asking?”

Eventually, or more often right away, I find myself in this space of experiencing a ‘not-knowing’ of who “I am”.  It is an experience of the pure awareness that is there – beyond the thinking mind, beyond the emotions.  It is an everpresent awareness that just is.  It is vast and spacious and there is nothing in there.  There is also nothing outside of it.  There is no ‘it’.  This is who I am.    So from this place (which isn’t any place other than who and what I am) when a thought arises, I can see it.  Oh, a thought. And I can stay in the space of awareness – rather, I can recognize that I am that space of awareness and a thought has bubbled up within me. I can see that the thought isn’t the totality of me…. this has been pivotal for my experience of Self.  Again, this can’t just be read – it must be experienced for it to mean something.

It should be said too that I deeply realize that thoughts are not an enemy.  They are not something to get rid of or try to ‘outsmart’.  They are simply forms that appear (and disappear) in the vastness of who I am.  The problem for me was that I thought I was my thoughts…I deeply believed that I was a ‘me’ who was in the driver’s seat of my life. I thought I had to make decisions about the future based on well-plotted schemes wherein I could carry out my ambitions, create some plan that would make us safe and secure, or find or create excitement.  I thought there was a ‘me’ that was in charge.  Now I see through this so clearly.  That ‘me’ is imaginary…. it is an idea – a brilliant, complex, multi-layered figment of my imagination.  What is real is only what is Here and Now.  The pure awareness that is simply and profoundly present – in fact, it is the only thing that IS present!  In this way, “I’m” not who has to control or manage the situation in any way, rather, I am the one who is here, unfolded only in the now, who responds spontaneously, who participates actively but in a completely un pre-meditated way……

At some point recently in my journey of awakening, I still went back to the perception that ‘my’ vantage point was from a particular body, from this particular lived experience (including a personal and biological history, etc.).  I thought that this is where consciousness ‘sees’ and ‘operates’ from.  But there was still fear (egoic ‘me’ identification) in that – that meant that once this body mind dies, that experience of consciousness that we can all sense (the very feeling and knowing that we are alive, there is something here) would also be extinguished.  Now I experience something else.  Now I see that the true vantage point of consciousness is from the present moment – which is always here.  In this way, I experience something eternal – not the mind’s interpretation of eternal, which is attached to time.. but a deeper sense –  coming completely undone into these reverberations of eternity that are so incredibly sublime, ancient, familiar and pulsing with aliveness.  There is nowhere else to go. It’s coming home to the place where I’ve been seeing from all this time.  And astonishingly, that seer is peace itself.