Writings

Self-inquiry seems to contain mighty little seeds that eventually start sprouting up here and there all on their own, powerfully shifting attention back to its source.  I thought I’d write today again about how self-inquiry is operating in my life – and how it seems to be increasingly inquiring ‘me’ out of the picture.

I find I resist and even sometimes resent self-inquiry, when it comes up (seemingly uninvited) when I’m caught up in an intense emotional snaggle.  Out of nowhere, inquiry interrupts any emotional or mental drama: I sense this gentle asking ‘who is so caught up right now?  Who is it that is so upset about this?’  The me that I am identifying with so tightly in that moment wants to defend its right to be mad…. and boom! Right there it becomes so undeniably clear where I’m operating from.  From a ‘me’ that has a story to defend, an image to uphold, or a point of view that needs to be validated. In that moment, I might still feel the intensity of all the emotions, and the desire to hang onto them and take action to defend them, but on the deepest level, something shifts gears – and there is a subtle yielding to the deep and vibrant quietness that is present.   Even then, I can still sense remnants of a ‘me’ flailing around somewhere on the surface, but that ‘me’ becomes just a sound that I love unconditionally but that is no longer centrally relevant.

I’m finding that “I” don’t make the choice to ‘do self-inquiry’ anymore.  It just happens whenever I cross some unseen threshold of becoming drawn into my story. And I’m finding that whether I’m willing to open to the inquiry or not, it powerfully draws my attention to the something else that is always present.  The ‘something’ that has no point of view, no emotional entanglements, no past to define itself by – just the simple -and powerful presence of presence itself.

It used to appear that I had a choice to either pick up the story of that ‘me’ that has so much to justify, accomplish, solve or create, or to draw my attention into the greater truth of the silent awareness – the presence of being.  But now I’m finding that I am no longer making a conscious choice to draw my attention back into the silent awareness – that too is happening automatically – even when the ‘me’ is fighting to remain as a strong and real and valid character.  The paradox is, ultimately it is a conscious choice – it just doesn’t seem like it because it is not made by ‘me’ – but by consciousness itself – the true Me/You/Self.

yup.  The seeds of inquiry are mighty and powerful – driven by and received by consciousness itself.  It is beyond incredible how aware of itself consciousness is – and how it wants to know and embrace itself deeper and deeper.  Limitless, vast, spacious peace is always Here.

 

When you are triggered, like the big time trigger- that thing that has set you off for as long as you can remember, or that brings into question some aspect of your character, remember that the awareness that you are is always present, and there is always the choice to give your attention to that awareness, or send it outward at what is being perceived. Either way, the awareness remains equal.  Even when the flood of emotions gushes through and you feel like you’ve ‘lost it’ and are emotionally beyond control- the awareness is still there. Even if you go on to carry out a shit ton of behaviours that you know aren’t the wisest, the awareness that you are hasn’t gone anywhere.  Awareness can’t go anywhere – there is no such thing as ‘staying on track’.  No matter what you do, even when you believe that you are deeply identified with ‘ego’ and ‘out of touch with your true self’, that’s just another thought-storm trying to take hold, and it isn’t possible for you to be out of touch with what you essentially are.  The awareness that you are is always present.  

One thing that a lot of ‘seekers’ do is try to continually focus their attention inwardly on this inner awareness – they try to remain conscious of consciousness all the time without allowing themselves to engage with the natural and wondrous unfolding of life.  This is exhausting – and ridiculous, no?  (I’m laughing in humility here – I’ve been guilty of this one!!)  But trying to ‘be conscious’  or ‘remain solely focused on the witness’ is just another ploy of the mind.  It is another way the mind is trying to assert something it already naturally is.  Like a duck trying so hard to learn how to be a duck.

So what’s the point of all this?  Well, the point is this- if the radiant awareness that we are is always here, we always have an incredible opportunity to navigate through life with it, just by simply noticing it.  We don’t have to ‘learn’ it, or ‘try’ to get it or try to stay glued to ‘it’ all the time, we can just simply notice what notices. We don’t ever have to talk about it – we can go on living normally, as we do, but as we go about our day to day actions, conversations, routines, irritations, just check in from time to time – what is it in me that perceives this irritation (or this thought, this emotion, etc)?  The immediate answer might be ‘me, the one who is irritated, yup, I have front row seats!’, but behind that, under that, and even within that, it is possible to clearly and directly recognize the immediacy of the vast and conscious spaciousness that perceives – that you are.

Peace xo

I’m not speaking of a secret place

that only certain lucky people have access to

I’m talking about the core of YOU

That YOU that is always right there

that has always been right there

deeper than any emotion

before any thought

that you that is ALIVE

and HERE

and absolutely full of LOVE