Writings

As my willingness to AWAKEN (tell the truth) deepens, I see that the person (identity) I used to believe myself to be had a central wound – that remained unmet.  Around that wound arose walls of shame, fear, and then strategies to cope with the deep sense of isolation and ‘not good enough-ness’.  I see now how a carefuly engineered and subtle manipulation crept into my relationships (to protect or deny or dramatize this wound).  I see how much of my identity was fuelled by a sense of victimhood – and equally by a sense of desire (to become, attain or accomplish – in so many ways).  Those two things pulled me so far into the dream (enter humility!!) and drove my intentions, actions and my life.

I am so happy to report that this work that I am doing now has given me the courage to meet this central wound – and all the shame, fears, and strategies that came with it.  Surprisingly in this meeting, I was deeply visited by forgiveness and compassion – towards how this entire identity played out.

Maybe for a while all those strategies were needed – they were useful for a time.  But now they are not necessary because the core wound has been met – and the purity of being was amazingly the real engine behind it all.

I am so grateful to be on this journey – to be so much more Here.

For the freedom within this seeing.

Pure Awareness = Love= Being= The Truth about Each of Us

xoxoxoxox

I’m not gonna lie.  Lately I’ve been feeling the churn of restlessness… it makes me want to escape, to run up a mountain, or to hop on a plane to anywhere.  I crave a break from the barrage of demands that incessantly come at me from three adorable (but demanding) little beings from early morning to, well, all night….

the feeling is OVERWHELM.  STUCK.  RESTLESSNESS. GOING CRAZY. CRAVING SOLITUDE.  CRAVING CHANGE.  CRAVING REST.  CRAVING TO HEAR A DEEP AND FREE BELLYLAUGH EXPLODE FROM WITHIN.

The feeling is – I want time in the mountains or by an ocean to just explore and climb or paddle and sleep (uninterrupted) in my tent.

But here I am – in a place where I am the primary care-giver of three little munchkins who need LOTS these days.  We have 1 car which I don’t have access to during the day – so we are limited to where I can ride them to around town (one sits in a seat on my handlebars and the other two sit in the chariot – this is how we get our groceries done too).    We are on a budget – we’ve been living on one pay check for over a year now, and my hubby has been so generous in helping me when I go completely nuts – so our budget has kept us very close to home for the past few years.

Yes – I chose this. I take full responsibility here. I didn’t know I was having twins, (and I’m so glad I did) but I did choose to have at least 2 kids.  I chose this lifestyle – and on the deepest level, of course I’m so grateful to be so closely surrounded by my loves.

But let’s be honest.  Every now and then, I LOSE MY SCHIZNIT!!!

And when I do, I mentally grope around for a means of egress… but deep down, even this scattered mama knows that any action taken while rooted in this place can never lead to fulfillment.  Maybe temporary relief, but not the deep goods.

So, with great humility – and often reluctance, I have to be willing to acknowledge ‘who is driving’.  This angst – this restlessness – comes from a somebody who is resisting things in a big way, and who is trying to be ‘in control’ (so trying to impose an overlay of a plan over reality – which only creates struggle and more resistance).  Hrumph.  Just great. This is, admittedly, a familiar place.

So what do I do to ‘come back’?

I turn all of my attention to what’s right here.  To the very moment – and for a moment, I must surrender the story, the angst, the restlessness, and just get truly curious about what IS here.  I can’t carry in any expectation of ‘finding’ a point of peace -it is truly a new experiment each time…… And always – and always unexpectedly, there is a spacious nothingness – a big empty vastness – (even though I can feel restlessness loudly trying to entice me back into the story) but if I keep focused on the inner awareness that is always here – then I start to automatically notice the peace of that ‘nothingness’ – void of struggle, strain, or desire to be in any ‘experience’ other than the one that is.  If I hang out here for even one full minute – I can easily see the restless identity thrashing around – but I also see so clearly how that isn’t what or who I am.  So in this ‘seeing’, the source of juice being fed to that restlessness is cut off- and already, it starts to soften (even just a bit).

From Here, I can ‘come back into the world of function’ (without ‘going’ anywhere, right?) and take care of the restless mama with great love and care if she needs it.  Rooted in truth, I can consciously play now. I can make a plan to get some help to get this mama a break, I can give her the experience of eating beautiful food slowly and consciously, I can embrace her restlessness without judgement – give her a space of understanding.  I can find more than enough room for the fullness of that restlessness to be here… without falling into thinking that it is what I am – or even what ‘I’m going through’.  I can see the entire physical, mental and emotional brightness of the mama that is ‘me’ – I can see her great big heart, her exhaustion and her strength, her attempts to meet all the demands with presence, and the impatience she tries hard to suppress, her overwhelm, her dreams, her frustrations, her playfulness, her free-spiritedness, her deep commitment and love to her family… and I can offer her the palpable presence of the peacefulness that is at the core of it all. So because there is room for everything to fully express itself here without condition, restriction or judgement- something starts to breathe a little easier, a lightness comes in, a spontaneous noticing of beauty….. maybe even a belly-laugh escapes…..

I might still go on a solo overnight somewhere quiet and wild soon – but with fulfillment as the driver, not as the goal.

Deep bow to all your continuous efforts mamas and dadas….and everyone else struggling with that restlessness that can take over.  You may not want to hear it (I know I don’t when I’m ‘in it’) but know that that restlessness is a well-marked doorway In.

Sending peace your way – always xx

but it can bring us to the outermost edge of a deep understanding – and this is useful….. but from there we must jump in and stay with the direct experience of being.  Staying in this direct experience (so keeping our attention on the awareness that is Here) is the doorway to deeper self-realization.  Nobody can do this for you – it is your journey alone.

So what is this understanding that the mind can bring us to?  We can use our minds (our memories, our ability to analyze and derive insights) and our bodies, emotions and intuition to recognize how and where we’ve picked up all these different elements that make up ‘who we are’.  We can use these capacities to see how we have compiled all of our experiences, our various roles, our beliefs, our culture, everything our bodies have been through, our talents and our shortcomings to create an identity – the very person you believe yourself to be. When the mind is willing to really be open and honest, even it can clearly see that this identity is fabricated from this elaborate and complex accumulation of all of these past experiences – the mind is capable of acknowledging this story of a ‘me’.

Can you see this in yourself?  What is your identity comprised of?  Feel the strength of that… the familiarity…. the depth of the belief that yes, this is who you are.

Even at this point, most of us already know that even with everything in this story, it is not what we really truly are. It is just what we refer to when we say or think ‘me’.  But we know that there is something else, something more present, something within us that is simply here – that can see and feel and remember all of the past, and also be somehow not attached to it – just a simple (yet profound) present awareness that sees – that just is.

And this is not to trivialize the past.  Your experiences, your family, your friendships, your body, your thoughts, all of your emotions, your beliefs, your joys and losses have all been deeply felt experiences that are profound, wondrous, and yes, important…. the importance and sacredness of your life cannot possibly be measured.

But at some point, when we keep pointing to this identified self, saying ‘this is me, this is who I’ve been and who I always will be’, we must be able to see that our belief that this identity is the totality of who we are, is trapping us. It keeps us in a place we suffer in stuck-ness, we carry painful (false) beliefs in our bodies (causing illness/injury) and we engage in sabotaging behaviour and marinate in negative thoughts about ourselves. The identified self is full of pride and full of struggle…. I’ve seen this again and again…. when this identity is seen… none of these patterns/behaviours/strategies are needed anymore…….the release is glorious…..

We already intuitively know that the totality of who we are is not merely an accumulation of our experiences,  (even though our experiences deeply affect our body/mind/emotions/perceptions and we can certainly learn from them and eventually glean a deeper truth from them). The mind can see the entire past, and can also see that truthfully, we are whatever is Here in this moment – free (unattached) conscious awareness.  From here, we are suddenly able to consciously not attach to a belief that has perhaps been ruling our thoughts, emotions and behaviours (and our relationships, and our ability to be truly joyful) for a lifetime.

So this is the outermost edge that the mind can carry us to – the recognition of this identified self.  Once we can see that what we truly are is whatever is Here Now – an awareness of consciously being – not just standing at the edge of it, but diving right in, opens up.

Just stay with whatever is that is Here Now.  Stay with it.  The mind gets bored, or distracted, or will steamroll in an urgent matter to attend to… but just experiment with staying Here for a while… – and, as Papaji says… ‘keep quiet’.  This is true meditation.  This is the doorway into the limitless depths of your being.

blessings xoxoxox