Are you happy? When you feel that out, what happens? For me, my mind wanders out into the ‘circumstances of my life’ and then evaluates good or bad, happy or unhappy….. but closer than that, when I just turn my attention to what’s here…. to what’s still, and always here – to the essence of what is so much closer than any external circumstance… I encounter this unconditional joy…..
Staying vigilant to awareness
“They” say (in my books, the likes of Gangaji, Papaji, Ramana – and Eckhart Tolle are a good ‘they’) that there is no teaching, no teacher, no student, no practice. And I get this. I see that realizing the true nature of our Self is recognizing what we ARE, it is not something that we can learn. But the ego wants to learn how. ‘How do I find enlightenment? How do I attain Freedom and Truth? Show me how”. So we go to ‘teachers’, and a ‘teacher’ can only point us in the right direction. A true teacher can only point to the truth that is already present. It is the same truth in ‘us’ as in ‘them’. Perhaps the difference between a ‘teacher’ and a ‘student’ is that a teacher can see in plain view that which is already awake – and the most profound teachers always revel in the beauty of the truth with great joy and humility. There is nothing to ‘teach’. There is no curriculum, no prescription, no prerequisites and no concepts to internalize.……we don’t have to chant mantras, or raise our vibration, or activate our kundalini to awaken. There is nothing wrong with any of these things, in fact, if we want to use them to calm our minds or to ‘feel better’, they are great. But if we are using them to ‘try to awaken’, we are yet again caught in the trap of following a concept instead of meeting the sweetness of the truth that is always already here. We don’t have to learn a single thing and we don’t have to try to change who we are or the quality of our thoughts in the least.
So what the heck do we do?
We can stay aware of the awareness that we are – when we are meditating, when we are multi-tasking, when we are thinking dreadful thoughts or blissful thoughts… we can notice what all phenomena is happening within. We can see what doesn’t ever change, and we can start to recognize that the vastness of ‘what sees’ is who and what we are.
So if there was a practice, (and Gangaji speaks about this), it would be to stay ‘vigilant’ to this awareness. When a thought – (or an emotion/tension/feeling of stress) arises, stay rooted in being aware of it and not jumping into it and being completely entangled in it…… this is SO hard at times – especially when a really ‘sticky’ thought comes up. The temptation to just unconsciously react is SO ingrained that it can feel infuriating to not react as we perhaps once would have. The ego feels ‘entitled’ to take action on what it thinks is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. But here’s a good nugget that really helps me – the thoughts aren’t the issue – it is the resulting actions that we take, the energy we invest, and the emotions that we allow to consume us, that are the problem. Automatically believing an unchecked mind makes us do all kinds of weird shit – to ourselves, and to each other.
And this is a seriously deep and wide-spread addiction that indeed causes suffering.
I’ve found that as I ‘stay vigilant to awareness’ – the most longstanding beliefs that have had the strongest hold on me are being uprooted, and the tendency and temptation to react (and hang onto them as being true) is STRONG. But as I stay vigilant, I am able to finally meet these thoughts directly instead of burying them under anxiety, tension, a handful of chocolate chips, or a glass of wine. I am able to see their falseness with such clarity that it is often humourous. These old beliefs start to naturally loosen their lure and I’m able to see a choice that wasn’t visible before – to fall back asleep, or to stay awake. By choosing to stay awake, an infinite amount of new choices continually become possible.
Seeing beyond the limitations of our mind isn’t for the faint of heart. It is hard work – we must be willing to meet everything head on. It can be extremely uncomfortable – this is certainly not about pushing the negative away and basking in bliss. This is about facing the truth of everything that we believe including what terrifies, enrages and inspires us……and most important, who we believe ourselves to be. And when we are willing to TRULY face it, full on, with no escape plan, no shield and no lucky penny – just nakedly facing the truth….. there is something waiting to be discovered.
Peace.
Spiritual Awakening and the Early Months of Motherhood
Let’s face it, as new mothers our identity is already in flux. Our needs, even the most essential ones like sleep and hygiene are constantly interrupted by others’ needs…. we are exhausted and can only vaguely and distantly remember ‘who we once were’. And we do it all because of this intense love for our wee ones, there is a profound heart-opening joy in all of it too, but in this time of incredible challenge during the first few months of motherhood, our sense of ‘who we are’ is crumbling. The good news is, this tills the soil of spiritual awakening.
For me, it was exactly in this sleep-deprived time when I literally couldn’t remember who I was anymore that I started to awaken to something more than my exhausted body, mind and emotions. Despite the challenges, I still felt deeply grateful for my healthy and beautiful kids- they were a dream come true for me, but I didn’t know who I was anymore,(besides being a bleary-eyed diaper-changing, tandem breast-feeding milk machine) or who I was becoming. I would look at the dust on my guitar and wonder if I could still play a song full of bar chords without getting a cramp in my hand. I’d look at my thirsty canoe paddle and sigh. I didn’t even feel drawn to these things that were once my passion. I was kinda tired, kinda cranky and kinda stinky. At this point, the person I once identified so deeply with as ‘me’ was totally out of reach. I couldn’t keep up all my identity’s self-imposed expectations; things like eating a supremely healthy diet, getting my kids out into nature, exposing them (and me) to lots of music and doing things to inspire our creativity…. When I couldn’t uphold them all, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough and silently beat myself up for failing miserably at everything. I’m sure every Mama can relate to this.
There were so many gifts buried in these challenges. For instance, not being one to stay negative or down for long, I started to really question all these things I was striving to do and be as a new mother. I found myself striving to uphold some fantasy of the ‘perfect mother’ – that could do all these great things all the time while being loving, calm and attentive to her kids all day (20 hours) long. I was working so hard to match this image I had developed in my mind (or that I’d absorbed from certain niches of society)- and it was unattainable. I began to see so clearly that this was my ego at work. I almost missed it because this version of the ego was inviting such wholesome, nourishing, spiritual, creative and ‘intelligent’ things. Everything within it had such deep value that I was certain that they must be the ‘right’ things to do – my ego had carefully researched and plotted the ultimate path of all-around amazingness that I had to follow to succeed.
Now, of course, there is nothing wrong with any of the things my ego was promoting, in fact there is tremendous value in each which I continue to draw upon. But it had to be seen that the mechanism at play was this ‘wholesome ego’ that had created a plan that needed to be followed or failure would surely ensue. I fell right into the trap. But now, way more awake, I clearly see whether my actions are fuelled by the ‘shoulds’ of the ego, (which is always accompanied by some subtle tension and driven by a ‘me’ that thinks it is in control of everything) or by the spontaneous intelligence of awareness that is only found in the present moment.
There’s a big difference. A lightness. An ease I never thought possible for me (who was once a glutton for over-achievement on the ego scale!). Now I see everything on the ego’s list as resources I can draw from as needed, but not as some mandatory ‘checklist’ that I have to score a high mark in each category to succeed as a mom.
Another big gift is that literally being forced into the present moment (which was what I needed to do to survive) has made being in the present moment a habit. For a whole year, I had to bring my full attention to the situation at hand. There was literally no time to consider the past or future, and I’m certain that this is what primed me for a deep awakening. (If you’re interested in hearing more about this awakening, I did write about it in the first couple posts on the context and meeting Gangaji and Eli). Now that the twins are 1.5 and Olive is 3.5, I have a bit more sleep in my nights and more breathing space in the days. There is ‘time’ available for my mind to wander, but I find that the present is my natural resting place. It used to be a place that I tried to meditate my way to, or come back to after ‘everything was done’ – but now I see that the present is not a place or moment in time, but is the essence of who I am. Now I see that I’m just here, both witnessing and participating in this incredible and continuous unraveling of the spontaneous movement of life.
The most amazing revelation that I’ve discovered in all of this, is that being totally peaceful in the present isn’t a passing ‘state’ as I once though it to be. I always thought it was a mood, or a calm that would just ‘come over me’ but now I see that it is who I am – this calm, peaceful awareness that has no plans, no judgements, no dreams, no hopes, no regrets, no problems and no lists. This peace is the starting, the ending, and the in-between. Rooted here, I could sit and watch the ego do its acrobatics all day, and it is no longer of any concern…… I might choose to jump on and do a flip with it for fun, but it is no longer to fulfill a sense of ‘me’. This is Freedom.
Peace.