Category: self-inquiry

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Breaking Free from the Trance of Unworthiness

One of the most profound lessons I’m deeply grateful to be learning in this lifetime is that Love—and qualities like stability, wisdom, clear-mindedness, etc.—truly live within us. Before I could directly access this deep well, I remember encountering phrases like “What you seek is inside you” and “You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself.” They left me feeling empty, even dejected, because I hadn’t yet connected to this within myself and I didn’t know how.

To be honest, knowing ‘how’ doesn’t mean that I always remember!! But the difference is, now when I find myself caught in waves of whatever is arising, (insecurity, doubt, or harsh self-criticism, etc.) —I am aware of something that is like the ring of a distant bell. This ring carries a potent reminder that, while this state feels so real, and is so consuming, it doesn’t actually reflect the deeper truth of who I am, or what I actually need to do. The state presents so much to fix—through self-reflection, exercise, supplements, therapy—and while none of these are wrong, and often even necessary in intense moments, directing my attention to the faint bell offers another, powerful way to respond.

For me, responding to this deeper call starts with simply naming that I’m enmeshed in a state – in what Tara Brach calls the trance of unworthiness. Naming this helps me become aware that I’ve fallen into believing something painful and untrue, something that seems to need fixing or overcoming. Being able to recognize that I am in a state is the true gift of these teachings. With this recognition, I can see how painful it is to feel so far from my true self.

From here, something compassionate starts to take over and I naturally start to resource myself with whatever feels most nourishing in the moment. I might place my hands over my heart, and take slow, deep breaths, and feel my body here in the present moment. I might gently rock from side to side or massage my face. In these simple acts, my nervous system begins to unwind, soften, and ease. My awareness returns, fully embodied, soft and expansive. There is a deep sense of being back and fully connected to my true self—free of any trance or state that needs improvement. From this place, if anything does need attending to, it is unhurried, non -reactive and full of compassion and clarity.

What a gift that is.

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Honoring Limits: The Path to Creative Energy and Integrity

From the Alcove (which is the name of my garden studio where I get to engage in deep self inquiry with others) :

ok, while it is daunting, isn’t there immense freedom in finally acknowledging the unseen burdens we carry? Once we truly recognize we’ve been lugging along these heavy loads, (and start to question the necessity of that) we can set them down and consciously examine their contents. Often, so much of it is unnecessary; the weight of painful beliefs and patterns we’ve inherited from our past.

This inquiry asks us to be so honest and compassionate with ourselves as we do this intricate sifting. It’s fruitful though, it allows us to clarify what we can let go of. What a feeling to lighten the load (even better if there is forgiveness self-compassion and insight)! And even if we cannot release anything right away, we absolutely gain a clearer picture of our actual capacity, enabling us to move forward with integrity and honesty in how we extend our energy to all the different parts of our life.

The hardest part of this for many of us is that we cannot wait for others to spot our burdens and give us permission to heal. Perhaps we have a wise friend or family member who might gently nudge some attention towards our inner struggles, but ultimately, it is up to us to do this work, and then again, up to us to acknowledge and honour our own limits.

This is no easy task, especially in a culture that constantly encourages us to override or ignore our limits in pursuit of success (or some variation of worthiness). Waiting for others to allow us to rest or to make choices that nourish us means relinquishing our autonomy and integrity. It is so helpful to remember that while some others may not understand or might even judge our choices, that’s ok, this is our own journey – at the depths, only you know what you are carrying.

The best part of this is the more we honour our limits and live in integrity with them, it seems to be the case that our creativity and energy and overall capacity naturally increases! We start to exist in a way that is nourished rather than overextended, which gives others permission to do the same. From this, genuine and sustainable generosity can start to flow. I feel so much encouragement and joy in my heart, supporting this! ❤

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The key of Self-compassion

Hello dear ones,

The past three months have been exquisitely full of coaching and teaching others in bringing a mindful awareness to all the aspects of life that can have a tendency to throw us off (our bodies, our minds, our emotions, our conditioning, our circumstances….).  It has deepened my practice of holding space for others with a full present attention, openness and without pretence or armour.  I’ve absolutely loved every moment of it.  It hasn’t left me with much time to write though! So today I wanted to share some insights on something that I’ve often witnessed with my clients that seems to truly be a precious key to unlocking and alleviating a tremendous weight: self-compassion.

Of course.  It makes sense even to our minds that to be compassionate towards ourselves is a step in the right direction.  But it is astonishing to me how much animosity and self-blame we can carry when certain uncomfortable emotional or mental patterns are present.

In one of the classes I teach, I share a story from Buddhist philosophy of Mara the demon God. Mara represents the darker aspects of human psyche such as temptation, desire, fears, doubt and anger.  After enlightenment, the Buddha’s attendant Ananda would see Mara appear and run to the Buddha saying ‘oh no, Mara’s here, what should I do?’  The Buddha would not try to drive him away, but would say ‘I see you Mara’ and graciously invite him in for tea.

I love this story.  Aside from it offering the insight that challenging emotions/states don’t actually disappear altogether even for fully awakened beings, hearing it transformed the relationship I have with my own emotions.  I now see them as visiting energies that appear to be understood rather than bothersome obstacles that are holding me back.  The practice of saying ‘I see you Mara’ helps to tell the truth about the fact that whatever ‘Mara’ represents in the moment (anger, overwhelm, restlessness, etc) is here.  Even that seemingly small step of telling the truth about what is here (even if we don’t like it) is profoundly liberating on a deep level.

I also love sharing a modification of Thich Nhat Hanh’s beautiful teaching that can be applied to ourselves when a challenging emotion or circumstance arises.  It can be helpful to start by taking a few deep and full breaths with a hand on the heart.  Then we can simply say ‘Darling (or whatever name or nickname makes you feel seen/loved) I am here for you’ and then ‘Darling, I know you suffer’.   I find this is an incredibly powerful practice for compassionately acknowledging our own pain as it arises and for accessing the support of a deeper and wiser part of ourselves that we may not usually be in touch with.  So often we judge the pain we have and we make ourselves wrong in some way because of its presence. We often take action to compensate for this judgement.  As I’m sure you already know well (because we all do this!) this leads to a series of ‘unconscious’ or reactive impulses that can never lead to lasting fulfillment, resolution or peace.

If on the other hand we can learn to tell the truth about the pain that comes into our experience without judgement (and even with a compassionate interest) we may start to experience it in a different way. In doing this, we can radically transform our relationship with ourselves. Side-effects of this practice seem to consistently be a natural deepening of self acceptance and self understanding towards ourselves and others.

It is truly incredible to watch what happens as we start to befriend ourselves in this way. I love Pema Chodron’s quote: ‘Through spiritual practice we are learning to make friends with ourselves and our life at the most profound level possible’.

So this piece of self-kindness is significant in the work of cultivating a more wise and aware presence in our life.  In Western culture, we aren’t conditioned to be overly compassionate towards ourselves, so this is an area that does indeed take practice.

Just as an experiment, for the next little while, try to notice how kind (or unkind) you are to yourself when challenging emotions, thoughts or circumstances arise.  Find out who Mara is for you – invite him to tea.  See if it is possible to find a way (with these ideas or others) to be compassionate towards yourself regardless of what is with you in your experience.  I’d love to hear about it if you feel inspired to share in a comment.

Sending love and encouragement always,

Laura

ps – I’m available for coaching on most Tuesdays and Thursdays (email me if those times don’t work for you).