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The key of Self-compassion

Hello dear ones,

The past three months have been exquisitely full of coaching and teaching others in bringing a mindful awareness to all the aspects of life that can have a tendency to throw us off (our bodies, our minds, our emotions, our conditioning, our circumstances….).  It has deepened my practice of holding space for others with a full present attention, openness and without pretence or armour.  I’ve absolutely loved every moment of it.  It hasn’t left me with much time to write though! So today I wanted to share some insights on something that I’ve often witnessed with my clients that seems to truly be a precious key to unlocking and alleviating a tremendous weight: self-compassion.

Of course.  It makes sense even to our minds that to be compassionate towards ourselves is a step in the right direction.  But it is astonishing to me how much animosity and self-blame we can carry when certain uncomfortable emotional or mental patterns are present.

In one of the classes I teach, I share a story from Buddhist philosophy of Mara the demon God. Mara represents the darker aspects of human psyche such as temptation, desire, fears, doubt and anger.  After enlightenment, the Buddha’s attendant Ananda would see Mara appear and run to the Buddha saying ‘oh no, Mara’s here, what should I do?’  The Buddha would not try to drive him away, but would say ‘I see you Mara’ and graciously invite him in for tea.

I love this story.  Aside from it offering the insight that challenging emotions/states don’t actually disappear altogether even for fully awakened beings, hearing it transformed the relationship I have with my own emotions.  I now see them as visiting energies that appear to be understood rather than bothersome obstacles that are holding me back.  The practice of saying ‘I see you Mara’ helps to tell the truth about the fact that whatever ‘Mara’ represents in the moment (anger, overwhelm, restlessness, etc) is here.  Even that seemingly small step of telling the truth about what is here (even if we don’t like it) is profoundly liberating on a deep level.

I also love sharing a modification of Thich Nhat Hanh’s beautiful teaching that can be applied to ourselves when a challenging emotion or circumstance arises.  It can be helpful to start by taking a few deep and full breaths with a hand on the heart.  Then we can simply say ‘Darling (or whatever name or nickname makes you feel seen/loved) I am here for you’ and then ‘Darling, I know you suffer’.   I find this is an incredibly powerful practice for compassionately acknowledging our own pain as it arises and for accessing the support of a deeper and wiser part of ourselves that we may not usually be in touch with.  So often we judge the pain we have and we make ourselves wrong in some way because of its presence. We often take action to compensate for this judgement.  As I’m sure you already know well (because we all do this!) this leads to a series of ‘unconscious’ or reactive impulses that can never lead to lasting fulfillment, resolution or peace.

If on the other hand we can learn to tell the truth about the pain that comes into our experience without judgement (and even with a compassionate interest) we may start to experience it in a different way. In doing this, we can radically transform our relationship with ourselves. Side-effects of this practice seem to consistently be a natural deepening of self acceptance and self understanding towards ourselves and others.

It is truly incredible to watch what happens as we start to befriend ourselves in this way. I love Pema Chodron’s quote: ‘Through spiritual practice we are learning to make friends with ourselves and our life at the most profound level possible’.

So this piece of self-kindness is significant in the work of cultivating a more wise and aware presence in our life.  In Western culture, we aren’t conditioned to be overly compassionate towards ourselves, so this is an area that does indeed take practice.

Just as an experiment, for the next little while, try to notice how kind (or unkind) you are to yourself when challenging emotions, thoughts or circumstances arise.  Find out who Mara is for you – invite him to tea.  See if it is possible to find a way (with these ideas or others) to be compassionate towards yourself regardless of what is with you in your experience.  I’d love to hear about it if you feel inspired to share in a comment.

Sending love and encouragement always,

Laura

ps – I’m available for coaching on most Tuesdays and Thursdays (email me if those times don’t work for you).

 

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Holding Space for Awakening

I recently returned from a family adventure exploring Vancouver and a small island way up the Sunshine Coast. It was a significant trip in so many ways – the first time we’ve gone anywhere since the twins were born, their first time seeing the ocean, and an important time of connecting with some beautiful people in our lives. Just by chance, I was able to meet one of my teachers, Cheryl Brewster, in person for the first time. We’ve been working together (over the phone) for over 4 years now and I was overjoyed to discover that she lives within walking distance of where we were staying and was available to meet me at her house.

What a joyous and stunning visit we had! It felt like two ancient friends coming together to share notes on intuition, mindfulness and awakening. Cheryl has been such a deep support to me on this path -always encouraging me to trust myself to go deeper and to trust the experiences that I have. So often, even as an intuitive self-inquiry ‘coach’, there can still be a conditioned habit to invalidate (or play down) the reality or worth of my deep spiritual experiences. Maybe this comes from a fear of how I will be perceived by others, or from an uncertainty (the ego’s) of how to navigate life from this place. But in Cheryl’s radiant presence, any questions around what is valid and ‘real’ and what isn’t, fall away. I acknowledged to her how deep our connection felt, despite never having met in person before, and after a moment, she smiled and said ‘that’s what happens when you have two people together who understand that there is only one of us here’.

After talking for a while over tea, we knew the pocket of time for our visit was coming to an end. She had me sit and listen to some incredible music (Paul Armitage). I had a beautiful and unexpected experience that I’d like to share here.

As soon as I closed my eyes, I felt these two warm hands firmly on my shoulder blades and upper back. I thought maybe it was Cheryl and peeked open my eyes, but there she was sitting on the couch next to me. I told her I felt these hands and a warm presence behind me – was it a spirit guide? (I asked). She told me to just sit with it – I could hear the smile in her voice. The presence of love and warmth behind me started to get so strong and I could feel tears welling up -some part of my ego resisted this energy (almost like a stubbornness – ‘I’m fine, I don’t need this support’). But this love (and I can only describe it as this very present and powerful loving energy) became so strong that something in me collapsed – the tears came rolling down my face and once I fully let this energy envelop me, it became instantly clear that this love was COMING FROM me. It was/is me. It was so familiar and clear – I was left smiling and shaking my head – so grateful for this powerful reminder from my Self.

Cheryl did a blessing for me – welcoming me home to the Here and Now – she said with a twinkle in her eye that we’ve done this (blessing) before many times, and we will again. She is a true master.

We do forget – even after powerful awakening experiences that reveal to us the unshakable truth of what is at our core – we do forget as we get lured back into navigating life from the seemingly necessary reference point of a ‘me’. It seems to be part of this whole process, to remember and know, and then forget and struggle, then remember and touch bliss again, and then forget once again. Each time it seems that the remembering is more powerful and the forgetting isn’t as deep, nor does it last as long. Eventually, we are here to stay.

The task when we remember, is to honour what we are and stay connected to it by keeping our attention on it as we navigate through all the tasks and moments of our daily lives. This is what ‘integration’ is all about…. coming back into our lives, our bodies, our families, our roles while remaining in alignment with the conscious awareness that is at our core – our essential self. Even when we believe or feel we are disconnected from ‘it’ – that feeling of disconnectedness is exactly the place to inquire into so we can see for ourselves what is true, and what isn’t.

As each of us breaks through more subtle layers of conditioning and unconsciousness, our capacity to hold space for each other deepens, which primes the possibility and reality of deeper spiritual openings, self-realization and the evolution of consciousness everywhere.

So thank you Cheryl. You reminded me again that sometimes we need a teacher who understands the depth of what we are poking at to hold the space for us while we freely explore. I don’t doubt that it was your presence and sense of unlimited possibility that allowed this depth of self-recognition to occur … what’s next???? 😉

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Practice: Expanding your Awareness

At some point on our journeys of deepening awareness, most of us hit what feels like a few ‘plateaus’ along the way.  A tricky one is where we recognize that we are not our identities, but feel stuck in them nonetheless. This can be a frustrating place to be, because the voice of  ‘you know better, so why are you still so attached to your story?’  can and does arise.  Of course, this voice (from the spiritualized superego) isn’t very helpful and just adds another layer to the ‘story’.  Trying to just detach from our mental bodies – our thoughts, beliefs, ideas, convictions, memories, is a form of denial that never works for long.

I think the most helpful thing I can offer here is to say that it comes back again and again to telling the truth about what’s here.  Not telling about what is here and why it should or shouldn’t be here, or what’s here and how you are going to go about fixing/changing that, but just simply being truthful (and curious) about what’s here.  I have experienced that when we are willing to tell the truth without any judgement, deeper truths are spontaneously revealed that add a richness, depth and clarity (and release and joy!) to our experience of any moment.

How do we go about noticing the truth?  I’ve found it really helpful to start with the ‘external’ world – what or who is around you?  Take a moment to notice things that have always been in that particular space but that you haven’t really looked at before.  Notice the quality of light, temperature, sounds and movements around you… then shift your attention to your physical body – scan it and notice whatever sensations are present (from pain and tension to strength and openness).  Now scan your emotions – what feeling is present?  Is there one?  Has there been one going on in the background today?  Where is it in your body – what narrative is around it? Your role here is to be a ‘listening presence’ that just leans in to check out what is going on…. Now move your attention into your mental body – is your mind racing or calm?  Are you stewing, stressing, planning, fantasizing?  What kind of thoughts are running through your head, what tone of voice do they carry? Just notice. Now see if you can just notice a relaxed alertness that is somehow in the background, taking this all in… the witnessing consciousness.  What happens to your mind when your attention is on this conscious space?

Now see if you can hold all of this in your awareness at once – what happens to your state of being?

This practice is potent.  I notice right now such a difference between the energy of  ‘the me that wants to get things done’ versus the energy of the vast presence of awareness that holds the ‘me’ and everything else.  I can remember when the ‘me’ used to seem so much louder and so much more ‘in command’ than the silent alertness… but that has shifted, and I am certain this constant ‘practice’ – simply of shifting my attention to the silent awareness that is always present, and letting go of ‘looking for anything’ in ‘there’, is the ‘how’.

The presence of that awareness grows. And sweetens. And eventually, it becomes home, and the mind is where I go to, instead of the other way around.

It is no small thing.

Sending love and support always, L.

PS- I will be speaking at the women’s wellness weekend in Revelstoke BC on June 18-19 – Click here to find out more details.