Let’s face it, as new mothers our identity is already in flux. Our needs, even the most essential ones like sleep and hygiene are constantly interrupted by others’ needs…. we are exhausted and can only vaguely and distantly remember ‘who we once were’. And we do it all because of this intense love for our wee ones, there is a profound heart-opening joy in all of it too, but in this time of incredible challenge during the first few months of motherhood, our sense of ‘who we are’ is crumbling. The good news is, this tills the soil of spiritual awakening.
For me, it was exactly in this sleep-deprived time when I literally couldn’t remember who I was anymore that I started to awaken to something more than my exhausted body, mind and emotions. Despite the challenges, I still felt deeply grateful for my healthy and beautiful kids- they were a dream come true for me, but I didn’t know who I was anymore,(besides being a bleary-eyed diaper-changing, tandem breast-feeding milk machine) or who I was becoming. I would look at the dust on my guitar and wonder if I could still play a song full of bar chords without getting a cramp in my hand. I’d look at my thirsty canoe paddle and sigh. I didn’t even feel drawn to these things that were once my passion. I was kinda tired, kinda cranky and kinda stinky. At this point, the person I once identified so deeply with as ‘me’ was totally out of reach. I couldn’t keep up all my identity’s self-imposed expectations; things like eating a supremely healthy diet, getting my kids out into nature, exposing them (and me) to lots of music and doing things to inspire our creativity…. When I couldn’t uphold them all, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough and silently beat myself up for failing miserably at everything. I’m sure every Mama can relate to this.
There were so many gifts buried in these challenges. For instance, not being one to stay negative or down for long, I started to really question all these things I was striving to do and be as a new mother. I found myself striving to uphold some fantasy of the ‘perfect mother’ – that could do all these great things all the time while being loving, calm and attentive to her kids all day (20 hours) long. I was working so hard to match this image I had developed in my mind (or that I’d absorbed from certain niches of society)- and it was unattainable. I began to see so clearly that this was my ego at work. I almost missed it because this version of the ego was inviting such wholesome, nourishing, spiritual, creative and ‘intelligent’ things. Everything within it had such deep value that I was certain that they must be the ‘right’ things to do – my ego had carefully researched and plotted the ultimate path of all-around amazingness that I had to follow to succeed.
Now, of course, there is nothing wrong with any of the things my ego was promoting, in fact there is tremendous value in each which I continue to draw upon. But it had to be seen that the mechanism at play was this ‘wholesome ego’ that had created a plan that needed to be followed or failure would surely ensue. I fell right into the trap. But now, way more awake, I clearly see whether my actions are fuelled by the ‘shoulds’ of the ego, (which is always accompanied by some subtle tension and driven by a ‘me’ that thinks it is in control of everything) or by the spontaneous intelligence of awareness that is only found in the present moment.
There’s a big difference. A lightness. An ease I never thought possible for me (who was once a glutton for over-achievement on the ego scale!). Now I see everything on the ego’s list as resources I can draw from as needed, but not as some mandatory ‘checklist’ that I have to score a high mark in each category to succeed as a mom.
Another big gift is that literally being forced into the present moment (which was what I needed to do to survive) has made being in the present moment a habit. For a whole year, I had to bring my full attention to the situation at hand. There was literally no time to consider the past or future, and I’m certain that this is what primed me for a deep awakening. (If you’re interested in hearing more about this awakening, I did write about it in the first couple posts on the context and meeting Gangaji and Eli). Now that the twins are 1.5 and Olive is 3.5, I have a bit more sleep in my nights and more breathing space in the days. There is ‘time’ available for my mind to wander, but I find that the present is my natural resting place. It used to be a place that I tried to meditate my way to, or come back to after ‘everything was done’ – but now I see that the present is not a place or moment in time, but is the essence of who I am. Now I see that I’m just here, both witnessing and participating in this incredible and continuous unraveling of the spontaneous movement of life.
The most amazing revelation that I’ve discovered in all of this, is that being totally peaceful in the present isn’t a passing ‘state’ as I once though it to be. I always thought it was a mood, or a calm that would just ‘come over me’ but now I see that it is who I am – this calm, peaceful awareness that has no plans, no judgements, no dreams, no hopes, no regrets, no problems and no lists. This peace is the starting, the ending, and the in-between. Rooted here, I could sit and watch the ego do its acrobatics all day, and it is no longer of any concern…… I might choose to jump on and do a flip with it for fun, but it is no longer to fulfill a sense of ‘me’. This is Freedom.
Peace.
Like this:
Like Loading...
