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Dissolving the murkiness with awareness

Hello friends,

It is a drizzly morning here in Golden and I’m hanging out in the richness and beauty of melancholy that rain seems to invite.  I love this clip of Gangaji speaking about the self-hatred that exists in most humans -the murky dark energy within our personality that we spend so much time (our entire lifetime – or lifetimes!) trying to fix, escape, deny, or dramatize.  Then, she speaks of the liberation we can experience when we finally meet it head on.  Until recently, I’ve never really known what that meant – to meet something head on……

So lately I have been observing how I as conscious loving awareness relate to this murkiness that exists within my personality.  I see that the truth of who I am in any and every moment cannot be bound in any way to the past or future.  The awareness that I am is simply always Here – unaffected by time or circumstance.  So I notice that when deep emotions related to the realm of time and circumstance surface (and engulf the personality)- or when this active mind continues to function – remembering, dreaming, creating, fretting…..  there has been a dramatic change in what happens (and this has been a profound shift because like most people, I’ve always had intense and complex emotions churning within my personality). And the result is, it is no longer possible for me to be afraid of them taking me (or keeping me) as their prisoner.  The change is this:

I now experience (not just ‘know’ but actually experience) the truth that these emotions, this pain, these thoughts, are not who I am. I am the conscious loving space that they can unfold in.

And again, like most people, there’s lots of sadness and confusion that has been locked up in this body, thoughts and emotions for decades, but now I am able to really explore the nuances of it all without the fear of ‘falling in’ deeper.  There is a soft, vast space and an effortless willingness to let everything that I’ve been holding in, or hiding from, or unnecessarily believing, to be seen and understood – and a tending to them as I would a beloved child. It can be painful and heartbreaking to see the extent of what has been held as truth… but as I stop ‘fixing’, denying and dramatizing, and instead just give ample space to whatever needs to unravel…. the story of it all, the pain, the energy –  all exits once it has been fully expressed.   

So these days, I’ve been noticing the paradox of the heaviness of things coming up to be seen, (and as a side-note, this process is as rapid as the depth of my willingness to greet it fully – then understanding and resolve can happen in just moments for me) and the absolutely blissful and joyful lightness that occurs when decades of trapped sadness disappears from my body.  I am not looking for things to ‘heal’  there is no list – oh, i better work on that, and oh, here’s a pattern that I better put on the list.  No.  I just live my life, do what this body/mind wants and needs to do in everyday life – and through it all, I remain aware of the truth of myself – always Here, and therefore open and willing to meet whatever arises.  It’s terrifying and mysterious and exhilarating –  but finally I am truly Here.

It is my hope that by sharing my process like this – transparently and intimately, you too will be able to recognize the greater truth and presence of being that is behind, underneath and free from all of the apparent limitations of your mind, body and emotions.

Peace xx

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRd3lZJL-AA

 

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Awakening is not about sticking our heads in the sand

There is a misconception about spiritual awakening, or spirituality in general that I’d like to explore…..this post echoes a previous post (I guess I need to write about it again to gain clarity!)

Many people come to spirituality as another escape. As a way to feel better, to find bliss or achieve another goal – perhaps enlightenment.  This is natural, as human beings we seek refuge from our pain.  But then spirituality becomes a place to avoid reality.  Some of us use it to even avoid our own thoughts and emotions – we retreat deeply into this imaginary little cave where we convince ourselves we have found ‘nothingness’ and we stay there, determined to remain untouched – to remain separate – even from our own inner processes.  Staying in this ‘little cave’ and believing this is the way to stay true to ‘the moment’ is a stage that many of us go through – so no need to feel defeated, let’s just get clear.

Obviously this attempt at finding peace is not very useful (and kind of funny when we look at it this way, no?).  It also makes any ongoing assistance, or projects, or work in the world impossible – because we’ve pigeon-holed ourselves into thinking that any ‘effort’ is futile because it is all of the ‘ego’, which isn’t ‘real’….. oh my goodness…. the confusion……!!!   

So essentially, there is a tendency to use spirituality as another method of denial – another way to push away pain (our pain and the world’s- ultimately one in the same) and relinquish our responsibility to each other and to the planet.

So how do we respond to the planet – that could greatly benefit from our wise attention and conscious action in a way that isn’t propelled by mere conditioning, fear, hatred and despair?  Or even by hope?

We must awaken and then see.  A response from pure awareness – from truly conscious seeing seems a good way to go.  But how?

We need to first become honest with ourselves about our capacity to remain present with all of our inner processes (including all thoughts, emotions). I know you’ve heard this a million times, but truthfully, I think we often believe we are ‘being conscious and aware’ when in reality we are stuffing lots that we don’t want to deal with away, right?  (To do this, we don’t have to look for moments from the past to re-live, we must simply acknowledge and honour whatever comes up with deep attention). We can then develop the capacity to actually respond consciously (and effectively) to the reality of the moment – for real.  

The reality of a moment might include a thought or intense emotion or discussion or campaign about Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Nigeria, Cameroon, Niger, Chad or any countless other parts of the world that are in intense conflict and pain.  As we (as individuals) continue to become more conscious, more awake, not only does a deeper wisdom become available (on how to act, or what to do), but our sense of self begins to expand into a much larger sense of Self – which ultimately includes all.  So without effort, a deeper sense of responsibility and compassion naturally arise.  Any action taken from this depth of being will have a far greater effect than action taken from reactive fear, obligation, or from ‘trying’ to be compassionate or responsible because it seems like the ‘right’ thing to do or be.

When it comes to addressing the ecological crises (and collapse) that we are facing, or resolving long-standing violent conflict, it is our mind’s tendency to strategize elaborate plans. This is natural.  This is how we’ve been taught – we are trying to do the right thing….

But this must be led by the wisdom of our Heart.

This awakened wisdom is already flowing- it is already what we are- we just don’t know it (or, we are just starting to become aware of it – this is exciting).  So becoming aware of it and living in support of it is the foundation- for everything. 

The draw to explore this deeply – and to reach out to others exploring the same is so primary to me….so fundamental…. so necessary.  This is why I’m writing.  This is why I’m Here.

From the directives of our Heart, our brilliant minds can then spontaneously be used to carry out anything that might be required in the field of action.  In this way, the solutions will be immediately orchestrated from beyond the limitations of the mind. They will be springing forth from the deepest, purest, most compassionate and most ingenious intelligence….

So please see that I’m not writing about putting our heads in the sand and shutting out the world so we can just enjoy the deep bliss of awareness. 

I’m not writing about how to bolster peace in a way that in actuality perpetuates ignorance….

I’m writing about waking up so we can exist in the awareness of who and what we are.

…. imagine…..

…..breathe…..

…..what’s Here in this moment?…….

Much love and support to you.  I’d love to hear your response to this!