Author: Laura Shaw

In the thick of the challenges that early parenthood brings, Laura had a profound experience of recognizing herself as alert, loving consciousness. As this knowing consciousness started to grow in strength and pervade her experience of life, she started to identify less with the roles and achievements in her life as an academic instructor and wilderness guide and more with this presence of awareness. Laura has spend the past eight years attending satsang, taking courses from Peter Levine, Tara Brach, and Jack Kornfield and has been coaching and teaching others mindfulness meditation and self-inquiry in Golden, BC Canada and over Zoom.
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When Gratitude Becomes an Escape

For a long time, I thought I was supposed to ‘practice’ gratitude.  I was certain that this would raise my vibration and allow me to enter some higher frequency where things would just fall into place effortlessly.  So I would consciously direct my thoughts to the things in my life that I was grateful for, or more truthfully, towards the things I thought I should be grateful for.  This worked to some extent – (worked in terms of changing the quality of my thoughts) after a few minutes of focusing on ‘gratitude’, a feeling of gratitude would sometimes overcome me.  But other times it wouldn’t work, and then I’d be left feeling guilty for not feeling grateful for all the blessings in my life in that particular moment.  What a ridiculous cycle.  The practice of gratitude is big on the shelves these days, and it has many reasons to be, but I would like to look at what we might be denying when we are so bent on ‘achieving’ gratitude.

There is nothing wrong with setting intentions to be more grateful, more conscious, more loving and so on.  But there are a few things to consider here.  First of all, when we feel like we need to set these intentions to create a more peaceful life, or to be more centred, we are actually working backwards.  When we use gratitude in this way as a concept, or as an energetic form that we put into action in order to attain peace, we are once again caught in an outward grasping for something that already exists within us. We will never find it out ‘there’.  This right here is a big hint to where we might be rooted (in the mind, or in the presence of your true Self).  A powerful way to turn this tendency around is to set the intention to ‘notice’ gratitude and appreciate it when it arises, rather than trying to force our way into gratitude.

Secondly, sometimes after setting an intention to be grateful, when we experience something negative, or different from gratitude, we don’t allow the truth of what is actually present due to our steadfast pursuit of gratitude. And then we feel like shit – because we aren’t feeling grateful, and we aren’t allowing ourselves to fully experience what really actually needs to be felt in any given moment.

So how do we work with gratitude and remain rooted in the truth of our self?

Well, in the past few months, I have found that my intentions have changed.  I still set intentions to invite and notice gratitude, awakening, and peace, but my primary intention now is to meet whatever arises fully and lovingly, without denying, pushing away, avoiding or excessively indulging in anything in any way.  It’s scary….raw…..naked.  It means I have to be present to whatever comes through.  I no longer allow myself to turn to gratitude as a crutch just to take me away from whatever unsavoury emotion or thought is ‘messing with my zen’. 

I’ve also considered how we go about ‘healing’… it seems we think we need to heal aspects of ourself – and we might very well need healing (and please see that I’m not denying the possibility of healing, in fact, I’m attempting to point to a far more powerful way of healing) but what we are really doing (most of us, a lot of the time) is figuring out how to chase away the things that we think are in our way.  This isn’t healing – this is a subtle but powerful denial and complete non-acceptance of the truth of what is present.  We try to heal by kicking what needs to be healed out of our life.

I know well what it feels like to want to be in control, or to whole-heartedly believe that there is a ‘me’ that can be in control. I have used ‘healing’ and ‘gratitude’ as a way to escape, or to try to change or improve on a reality that I didn’t like, but that was present nonetheless.  I used to think it was empowering to direct and activate healing (and gratitude) in my life, but now I see how it is possible for these intentions to become another strategy of the ego – another well-intended way to escape the present reality. 

There is a different route to what is already healed, and already grateful.

It’s ironic, but when we face whatever emotion, state, circumstance, ailment that comes up – when we go so far as to make it a cup of tea and invite it in fully…. even our skepticism…. and the little part of us that holds back in fear…. we can finally see it all fully – our resistance melts and then gratitude and healing happen automatically.  The external ailment or circumstance might not change, but when we fully open to it, our perception is suddenly driven by the truth of being, rather than by the well-intentioned mind that wants to be in control, and the desire for change itself tranforms.

Know that gratitude is your nature – it is a natural outflowing from the core of your being.  Go ahead and ‘practice gratitude’ if that is your inspiration- it is a beautiful direction to turn the mind towards.  But first check where you are rooted and make sure you aren’t using gratitude to escape. Gratitude is not something you have to practice to get closer to it.  In fact, there is no effort needed to achieve or attain gratitude because it is something that you are.  So the more that you can shift your attention to the presence of your being, the more you will spontaneously notice the natural flow of gratitude that is already present.

Peace, L.


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The closeness of unconditional joy

Are you happy? When you feel that out, what happens? For me, my mind wanders out into the ‘circumstances of my life’ and then evaluates good or bad, happy or unhappy….. but closer than that, when I just turn my attention to what’s here…. to what’s still, and always here – to the essence of what is so much closer than any external circumstance… I encounter this unconditional joy…..

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Staying vigilant to awareness

“They” say (in my books, the likes of Gangaji, Papaji, Ramana – and Eckhart Tolle are a good ‘they’) that there is no teaching, no teacher, no student, no practice.  And I get this.  I see that realizing the true nature of our Self is recognizing what we ARE, it is not something that we can learn.  But the ego wants to learn how. ‘How do I find enlightenment?  How do I attain Freedom and Truth?  Show me how”.  So we go to ‘teachers’, and a ‘teacher’ can only point us in the right direction.  A true teacher can only point to the truth that is already present. It is the same truth in ‘us’ as in ‘them’.  Perhaps the difference between a ‘teacher’ and a ‘student’ is that a teacher can see in plain view that which is already awake – and the most profound teachers always revel in the beauty of the truth with great joy and humility. There is nothing to ‘teach’. There is no curriculum, no prescription, no prerequisites and no concepts to internalize.……we don’t have to chant mantras, or raise our vibration, or activate our kundalini to awaken. There is nothing wrong with any of these things, in fact, if we want to use them to calm our minds or to ‘feel better’, they are great.  But if we are using them to ‘try to awaken’, we are yet again caught in the trap of following a concept instead of meeting the sweetness of the truth that is always already here. We don’t have to learn a single thing and we don’t have to try to change who we are or the quality of our thoughts in the least. 

So what the heck do we do?

We can stay aware of the awareness that we are – when we are meditating, when we are multi-tasking, when we are thinking dreadful thoughts or blissful thoughts…  we can notice what all phenomena is happening within.  We can see what doesn’t ever change, and we can start to recognize that the vastness of ‘what sees’ is who and what we are. 

So if there was a practice, (and Gangaji speaks about this), it would be to stay ‘vigilant’ to this awareness.  When a thought – (or an emotion/tension/feeling of stress) arises, stay rooted in being aware of it and not jumping into it and being completely entangled in it…… this is SO hard at times – especially when a really ‘sticky’ thought comes up.  The temptation to just unconsciously react is SO ingrained that it can feel infuriating to not react as we perhaps once would have.  The ego feels ‘entitled’ to take action on what it thinks is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.  But here’s a good nugget that really helps me – the thoughts aren’t the issue – it is the resulting actions that we take, the energy we invest, and the emotions that we allow to consume us, that are the problem. Automatically believing an unchecked mind makes us do all kinds of weird shit – to ourselves, and to each other.

And this is a seriously deep and wide-spread addiction that indeed causes suffering. 

I’ve found that as I ‘stay vigilant to awareness’ – the most longstanding beliefs that have had the strongest hold on me are being uprooted, and the tendency and temptation to react (and hang onto them as being true) is STRONG.  But as I stay vigilant, I am able to finally meet these thoughts directly instead of burying them under anxiety, tension, a handful of chocolate chips, or a glass of wine.  I am able to see their falseness with such clarity that it is often humourous.  These old beliefs start to naturally loosen their lure and I’m able to see a choice that wasn’t visible before – to fall back asleep, or to stay awake.  By choosing to stay awake, an infinite amount of new choices continually become possible.

Seeing beyond the limitations of our mind isn’t for the faint of heart.  It is hard work – we must be willing to meet everything head on.  It can be extremely uncomfortable – this is certainly not about pushing the negative away and basking in bliss. This is about facing the truth of everything that we believe including what terrifies, enrages and inspires us……and most important, who we believe ourselves to be.  And when we are willing to TRULY face it, full on, with no escape plan, no shield and no lucky penny – just nakedly facing the truth….. there is something waiting to be discovered.

Peace.