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The Mindfulness Trap

Mindfulness meditation is everywhere these days. And for good reason; without a doubt, the practice of deliberately bringing our attention into the present moment helps pull us out of thought and back into the reality of the unfolding moment, the only moment there is. In this way, mindfulness can help us reconnect with our actual living moment to moment experience (which most of us completely miss!).

It is clear that developing the capacity to be mindful of emotions and mental states and our reactions to them, as well as shedding light on unconscious beliefs we had been running on is extremely beneficial. Seeing all this can open up the possibility of a more conscious and compassionate response to ourselves and to all aspects of our lives.

So mindfulness meditation and engaged inquiry is undeniably powerful and essential to becoming more self-aware and present in our lives, not to mention all the neurological benefits that we know a consistent mindfulness practice can nurture. However, when it comes to self-inquiry and awakening, mindfulness can have the tendency to trap us in certain ways. It doesn’t mean we have to leave mindfulness behind, it means we need to take it further…

In this interview, one of my dear teachers from the Leela School, Jared Franks, offers his wisdom on how we can move from mindfulness into true self-inquiry. Enjoy ~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3d-BfQFCuLc

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The key of Self-compassion

Hello dear ones,

The past three months have been exquisitely full of coaching and teaching others in bringing a mindful awareness to all the aspects of life that can have a tendency to throw us off (our bodies, our minds, our emotions, our conditioning, our circumstances….).  It has deepened my practice of holding space for others with a full present attention, openness and without pretence or armour.  I’ve absolutely loved every moment of it.  It hasn’t left me with much time to write though! So today I wanted to share some insights on something that I’ve often witnessed with my clients that seems to truly be a precious key to unlocking and alleviating a tremendous weight: self-compassion.

Of course.  It makes sense even to our minds that to be compassionate towards ourselves is a step in the right direction.  But it is astonishing to me how much animosity and self-blame we can carry when certain uncomfortable emotional or mental patterns are present.

In one of the classes I teach, I share a story from Buddhist philosophy of Mara the demon God. Mara represents the darker aspects of human psyche such as temptation, desire, fears, doubt and anger.  After enlightenment, the Buddha’s attendant Ananda would see Mara appear and run to the Buddha saying ‘oh no, Mara’s here, what should I do?’  The Buddha would not try to drive him away, but would say ‘I see you Mara’ and graciously invite him in for tea.

I love this story.  Aside from it offering the insight that challenging emotions/states don’t actually disappear altogether even for fully awakened beings, hearing it transformed the relationship I have with my own emotions.  I now see them as visiting energies that appear to be understood rather than bothersome obstacles that are holding me back.  The practice of saying ‘I see you Mara’ helps to tell the truth about the fact that whatever ‘Mara’ represents in the moment (anger, overwhelm, restlessness, etc) is here.  Even that seemingly small step of telling the truth about what is here (even if we don’t like it) is profoundly liberating on a deep level.

I also love sharing a modification of Thich Nhat Hanh’s beautiful teaching that can be applied to ourselves when a challenging emotion or circumstance arises.  It can be helpful to start by taking a few deep and full breaths with a hand on the heart.  Then we can simply say ‘Darling (or whatever name or nickname makes you feel seen/loved) I am here for you’ and then ‘Darling, I know you suffer’.   I find this is an incredibly powerful practice for compassionately acknowledging our own pain as it arises and for accessing the support of a deeper and wiser part of ourselves that we may not usually be in touch with.  So often we judge the pain we have and we make ourselves wrong in some way because of its presence. We often take action to compensate for this judgement.  As I’m sure you already know well (because we all do this!) this leads to a series of ‘unconscious’ or reactive impulses that can never lead to lasting fulfillment, resolution or peace.

If on the other hand we can learn to tell the truth about the pain that comes into our experience without judgement (and even with a compassionate interest) we may start to experience it in a different way. In doing this, we can radically transform our relationship with ourselves. Side-effects of this practice seem to consistently be a natural deepening of self acceptance and self understanding towards ourselves and others.

It is truly incredible to watch what happens as we start to befriend ourselves in this way. I love Pema Chodron’s quote: ‘Through spiritual practice we are learning to make friends with ourselves and our life at the most profound level possible’.

So this piece of self-kindness is significant in the work of cultivating a more wise and aware presence in our life.  In Western culture, we aren’t conditioned to be overly compassionate towards ourselves, so this is an area that does indeed take practice.

Just as an experiment, for the next little while, try to notice how kind (or unkind) you are to yourself when challenging emotions, thoughts or circumstances arise.  Find out who Mara is for you – invite him to tea.  See if it is possible to find a way (with these ideas or others) to be compassionate towards yourself regardless of what is with you in your experience.  I’d love to hear about it if you feel inspired to share in a comment.

Sending love and encouragement always,

Laura

ps – I’m available for coaching on most Tuesdays and Thursdays (email me if those times don’t work for you).

 

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Comfort eating and Awakening

Again and again I see myself trying to create peace and calm around me.  There is nothing wrong with this, in fact, it’s a natural and lovely desire.  But I see that any movement that is grasping towards peace is actually a movement away from it.  It’s a way to avoid what’s here.

We want control.  We want peace, safety, security, happiness.  We want things to be calm and wonderful. We want to feel good. But in our desire to create this, we often resist/reject what’s actually here – and then whatever we do to ‘feel better’ is never complete.

Miranda Macpherson says that anyone who claims that it is easy to be on a spiritual path clearly isn’t on one.  So true.  As we awaken more and more to the truth of what’s actually present in a moment, we are bound to encounter some extremely intense and painful emotions, and aspects of reality that we’ve spent our lives avoiding.

So if there is a ‘goal’ in all of this (I can imagine Gangaji raising her eyebrows at me as I use the word ‘goal’) it isn’t to create peace in our lives and in the lives of everyone around us.  It is to have the courage and willingness to open ourselves to meet whatever arises in life without resistance – with a degree of direct, unguarded openness.  If we can find the wisdom to simply see and accept what’s here without putting the overlay of our judgement and attempt to control things over top, the possibility of acting from a more conscious, wise and compassionate place opens up. So if that means heartbreak is present, we allow our hearts to be completely broken.  If deep joy is present, we open to it so deeply that we may fall on our knees and weep.

I see the ways I still resist what’s here.  It’s fascinating, heartbreaking, challenging and ultimately liberating.  I want to share the journey of my latest personal inquiry as I think it might touch and loosen something deep for many….

Last night I had a delicious piece of my Italian Auntie’s homemade lasagna.  It was a big piece and I’m just coming off a cleanse, so to have gluten and tomatoes and a glass of red wine was exquisite.  Once my plate was clean, I felt this familiar ‘wanting more’.  I checked in with my body and immediately realized it wasn’t physical hunger… just more of a desire to taste more, fill up the taste buds and belly with the comfort of rich flavour and heaviness.  I immediately felt this inner conflict of knowing I wasn’t hungry on one hand, but a part of my being was needing something deep in that comfort on the other… and then there was a sense of shame for not being able to just shut down and cut off that deep needing.

I had another slice – and it was delicious. I decided to enjoy it and not beat myself up for having it in the slightest – which I was able to do.  But I acknowledged the need to inquire into what this true hunger was – this deep need to be comforted and held by food.  Like many of us, I have a history of tangling food with self-love.  Food has been a form of deep comfort, solace and self-love for me since I was about 13 years old.  But now, as I am deepening my capacity to meet the truth of whatever is present, I realize that eating when I’m not hungry isn’t the wisest or most complete way to love myself.  I knew I had to meet that ‘needing’ directly.

So late last night I inquired… I brought myself back to the table, wanting that extra piece of lasagna.  I turned my attention to the part of me that had the energy of an obsessive wanting… an addictive energy – in my belly, my jaw and in my tightened brow… wanting wanting wanting. And again feeling the tension of the inner conflict of believing that I ‘shouldn’t want’. I opened to the feeling even deeper – what’s under this wanting? Immediately a raw sadness burst into my heart.  A deep curled up, lonely, shaking sadness. I didn’t feel the need to probe into why it was there or what it was about – I knew I just had to keep it company. As I opened to it fully – I sobbed as terror and despair unleashed fully.  As I did so, a palpable presence of compassion for it all – a wise and loving holding arose.  Once the rawness and intensity of this wave started to naturally subside, I just breathed, with my full attention on this vulnerable space that was opening in my heart.  I put my hand on my heart and asked what that space needed.  There was no concrete answer – but I could feel a huge love flowing from the warmth of my hand on my heart into the space that was raw, open, vulnerable and heartbroken…. that space – that one who was so lost in sadness started to calm and soften – until there was this sense of merging with total love.  No more giving love and receiving love.  Just a calm deep presence of stable and strong love.  I ended with a blessing to myself – ‘may I be willing to open to this heartbreak when it needs my attention, may I be at peace with myself, may I meet myself fully’.

I’ve inquired into my relationship with food before, but this time I touched the core of it consciously. It tore me apart – and then something deeper stood back up. I feel so humbled, relaxed and deeply grateful for what this relationship with food has led me to.  There is still something that feels a bit vulnerable and open around it all, but much stronger than that is a deep deep release and peace.

My goodness…. I hope this helps you my friends of heart….  I have deep empathy for that almost intolerable pain that is underneath the need to eat for comfort.  But this is one of the ways in… I wish you courage and the deepest and steadiest self-compassion as you inquire.  I am sending out my blessing to you now…. May we all find peace with our bodies, our emotions and food.  May we all love ourselves with the deepest wisdom and compassion.

Love always,

Laura