Writings

It’s a blessing when I fall asleep for a moment.  In these moments, I might get cranky or irritated, or outright angry… but then it’s almost like that tension sets off a little bell, and I immediately snap back into the bigness of what’s Here.  I realize that I fell asleep, meaning I fell back into the habit of trying to be in control and create an agenda.  But this agenda is always like a transparent sheet placed over life, with a clearly marked line to follow regardless of the actual (living) terrain beneath it. When something blocks or reroutes the agenda, even for 10 minutes, frustration arises.  And then I see what I’m doing.  It is always humbling, and always illuminating.

I don’t judge my ego anymore – it isn’t the ‘bad guy’, it is just a deep pattern that I’ve been taught to reinforce all my life.  I’m grateful to it for being willing to try to take on the enormous (and impossible) task of all the things it tries to do – but it doesn’t have to do any of that.  It can just rest in joy and amazement.

I used to be terrified to surrender my agenda, I really thought it was more responsible to have a well-plotted plan (in all aspects of life, short and long-term).  But now I experience this differently – I see that this surrender is surrendering to the greatest wisdom inherent in Life and in myself.  It feels terrifying because I can’t say what that wisdom is or where it will take me – there are no footholds, not even a tiny crack.  But I know this is the only way to invite and experience the fullness of what is always Here.  It always results in a deeper, more present, infinitely more fulfilling and even a more ‘productive’ experience.

So ‘falling asleep’ just brings me back to this – again and again and again – in fact, in this regard, the more I fall asleep, the greater the joy is in returning to the luminousness of what never falls asleep – and seeing that I never left.

Peace

What a relief to know I’m not in control!!  What a joy!  I get to just show up and marvel at it all…..what a deal!  The pressure I used to put on myself to make things happen, and to control things is gone.  Now instead of putting my attention towards the future or the past, I use it to bring myself fully into the moment.  The past and the future still exist of course, as storylines that I attend to when needed – but I’m no longer bound by them.  I now see them for what they are and can attend to them consciously.

I’m now Here.

Finally.

I never imagined the fullness of what that meant before – full, overflowing, vibrant, more than enough, surprising, clear, mysterious, fulfilling and so sweet.

That is what always awaits Here.

Peace.

For a long time, I thought I was supposed to ‘practice’ gratitude.  I was certain that this would raise my vibration and allow me to enter some higher frequency where things would just fall into place effortlessly.  So I would consciously direct my thoughts to the things in my life that I was grateful for, or more truthfully, towards the things I thought I should be grateful for.  This worked to some extent – (worked in terms of changing the quality of my thoughts) after a few minutes of focusing on ‘gratitude’, a feeling of gratitude would sometimes overcome me.  But other times it wouldn’t work, and then I’d be left feeling guilty for not feeling grateful for all the blessings in my life in that particular moment.  What a ridiculous cycle.  The practice of gratitude is big on the shelves these days, and it has many reasons to be, but I would like to look at what we might be denying when we are so bent on ‘achieving’ gratitude.

There is nothing wrong with setting intentions to be more grateful, more conscious, more loving and so on.  But there are a few things to consider here.  First of all, when we feel like we need to set these intentions to create a more peaceful life, or to be more centred, we are actually working backwards.  When we use gratitude in this way as a concept, or as an energetic form that we put into action in order to attain peace, we are once again caught in an outward grasping for something that already exists within us. We will never find it out ‘there’.  This right here is a big hint to where we might be rooted (in the mind, or in the presence of your true Self).  A powerful way to turn this tendency around is to set the intention to ‘notice’ gratitude and appreciate it when it arises, rather than trying to force our way into gratitude.

Secondly, sometimes after setting an intention to be grateful, when we experience something negative, or different from gratitude, we don’t allow the truth of what is actually present due to our steadfast pursuit of gratitude. And then we feel like shit – because we aren’t feeling grateful, and we aren’t allowing ourselves to fully experience what really actually needs to be felt in any given moment.

So how do we work with gratitude and remain rooted in the truth of our self?

Well, in the past few months, I have found that my intentions have changed.  I still set intentions to invite and notice gratitude, awakening, and peace, but my primary intention now is to meet whatever arises fully and lovingly, without denying, pushing away, avoiding or excessively indulging in anything in any way.  It’s scary….raw…..naked.  It means I have to be present to whatever comes through.  I no longer allow myself to turn to gratitude as a crutch just to take me away from whatever unsavoury emotion or thought is ‘messing with my zen’. 

I’ve also considered how we go about ‘healing’… it seems we think we need to heal aspects of ourself – and we might very well need healing (and please see that I’m not denying the possibility of healing, in fact, I’m attempting to point to a far more powerful way of healing) but what we are really doing (most of us, a lot of the time) is figuring out how to chase away the things that we think are in our way.  This isn’t healing – this is a subtle but powerful denial and complete non-acceptance of the truth of what is present.  We try to heal by kicking what needs to be healed out of our life.

I know well what it feels like to want to be in control, or to whole-heartedly believe that there is a ‘me’ that can be in control. I have used ‘healing’ and ‘gratitude’ as a way to escape, or to try to change or improve on a reality that I didn’t like, but that was present nonetheless.  I used to think it was empowering to direct and activate healing (and gratitude) in my life, but now I see how it is possible for these intentions to become another strategy of the ego – another well-intended way to escape the present reality. 

There is a different route to what is already healed, and already grateful.

It’s ironic, but when we face whatever emotion, state, circumstance, ailment that comes up – when we go so far as to make it a cup of tea and invite it in fully…. even our skepticism…. and the little part of us that holds back in fear…. we can finally see it all fully – our resistance melts and then gratitude and healing happen automatically.  The external ailment or circumstance might not change, but when we fully open to it, our perception is suddenly driven by the truth of being, rather than by the well-intentioned mind that wants to be in control, and the desire for change itself tranforms.

Know that gratitude is your nature – it is a natural outflowing from the core of your being.  Go ahead and ‘practice gratitude’ if that is your inspiration- it is a beautiful direction to turn the mind towards.  But first check where you are rooted and make sure you aren’t using gratitude to escape. Gratitude is not something you have to practice to get closer to it.  In fact, there is no effort needed to achieve or attain gratitude because it is something that you are.  So the more that you can shift your attention to the presence of your being, the more you will spontaneously notice the natural flow of gratitude that is already present.

Peace, L.