Sometimes even the Grump can lead us to greater awareness…. You know those days when you just wake up grumpy? I had one of those recently, complete with a dark mind full of complaints darting around like fish appearing out of the murk. There was a loud and convincing story about all the work that would attack me as soon as I got out of bed and even though I knew I was indulging in some wallowing, I couldn’t quite shake it.
Then out of nowhere, I was hit by a sudden flood of total compassion and acceptance towards this ‘Grump’, coupled with a playful ‘jeesh, what a ‘GRUMP!!’ It was like one moment, the Grump was who I was, and then the next, the walls around that identity fell away and I was there standing in the centre of that role but seeing it had nothing to do with who I am in the least. The presence of this sudden awareness and playfulness towards the Grump caught me off guard in a way that is feeling more and more familiar- as did the state of TOTAL acceptance and even delight due to the hilarity of its antics. This was so much deeper and genuine than the times when the Grump had decided to try to ‘look on the bright side’ and not be grumpy anymore…
So, the message here is that the Grump can’t think its way to clear seeing. The Grump (and all its other moods and modes) is who we believe ourselves to be. We think we are navigating from ‘inside’ the Grump. The Grump is the one who thinks it can and will ‘wake’ up one day and ‘see it all’. But the Grump stays – the mind stays. This is a huge clue of where not to keep searching. If the question ‘where else is there to look’ arises… good!! Ask that question and just listen and notice. When the mind starts to narrate the experience (and probably with a voice that sees a ‘failure’ of ‘finding anything’) notice that too… stay with this alert noticing…
I think all of us who are on this path of awakening go through this. While our hearts may lead us to the path, our egos kick in and start to interpret, process and ‘practice’. This is natural – this is exactly what we’ve been conditioned to do and we do it well. We hear that we need to ‘accept’ and so we then ‘try’ to will ourselves into accepting the darker aspects of mind and personality that comes with our bodies. We try to accept all elements of ‘mind’ with mind. This can fuel frustration and feelings of self-defeat for many of us because as well-intentioned and genuine this effort is, we can’t will our way into true acceptance.
A point may come where we start ‘practicing acceptance’ mentally, but in reality we haven’t actually had the experience of full acceptance (thus repressing our resistance out of our conscious awareness….pushing us deeper into unconsciousness). And then we wonder why we are still so bound to this finite identity when we should ‘know better’. Ah…. the despair of the path…. but this is the juiciness of it…. when we see all of this – and can tell the truth about it and admit that we ‘don’t know’ ‘how’ to ‘do this’, we enter into a state of humility and openness. This is the state that makes us receptive to the possibility of directly and clearly (and instantly) recognizing something that rings with the sweetness of a deep truth at your core.
Sending playful compassion to the Grump in you,
ps I have put up a calendar on my ‘private and group meetings’ page if you’d like to book an appointment (I’d love to work with you- even one session can poke some serious holes in your belief in yourself as being the ‘Grump’!!).