True self-inquiry, that teachers like Gangaji, Byron Katie, Mooji and Dr. Kathryn Jefferies invite, is both terrifying and liberating. The actual inquiring is a journey that each of us must take alone. I have found that once we get familiar with ‘checking’ our thinking, then we can start to ‘check’ WHO the ‘thinker’ is? Here’s what ‘inquiry’ has looked like in my experience.
Ask: ‘on who’s behalf am I engaging all these thoughts, emotions, craziness….?”
“On my behalf!!”
“but who is that ‘my’?”
“ME!! The ‘me’ in this body, the ‘me’ that’s always been here….”
“ok, but where is that ‘me’ right now? Try to access that ‘me’ without digging into the past….”
“it just is who I am”
“but who is that ‘I’? – look carefully”
“Argh!! I don’t know… now I’m confused… I don’t know what’s here now…..”
“yes, go into that ‘don’t-know'”
…… (long pause)…..”There is no ‘real’ ‘I’ there – I can pull up thoughts/accomplishments/ things of the past to create or give proof of a sense of ‘me’ that has existed and still claims to exist, but I have to rely on the past for that to hold water. Right now, none of that is actually here.”
“and so who needs to defend itself now?”
“no-one, there is no person actually there that needs defence….”
“and how are all those emotions and thoughts met now?”
“just with space, no resistance there whatsoever – only the idea of ‘me’ brings on tremendous resistance…..when that idea is let go of, anything can come freely…. wow”
So when we see that this ‘me’ that we are so sure of, actually only exists as an idea in our mind on who’s behalf we have been defending, justifying, and experiencing all of life , the bottom of that compelling idea no longer has anything to keep it together and just falls away. The idea of ‘me’ has been seen and we are left in (and as) the awareness that sees……This awareness is unaffected by whatever thought or emotion arises – as they will.
This is not a concept to intellectualize or a belief to adopt – it must be experienced for oneself. If you come back from the journey ‘knowing’ something, you haven’t quite gotten to the bottom of those deep deep taproots of ‘me’.
What remains when all else is seen is your true self.
Much love xx
well said. I often wonder if Who I am if I’m not the skin I live in, or the clothes I wear, or the work I do, or the things I say. What is the wisp of smoke that resides in this body? Is it a scary thought or is it beautiful? It depends on the day. Thanks for writing this beautiful reminder be aware the awareness.
and who is wondering these things?? <3