I realized once again today that the thoughts that bubble up are as unexpected as the dragonfly that just zipped by my window.
I was reading some incredible writing by my dear friend Dr. Kathryn Jefferies, and in it, she reflects on how we automatically believe our thoughts because we believe there is personal agency in creating them. If we really inquire into this directly, experientially, (just try to predict your next thought!!), we see that the thoughts that arise are not within our realm of ‘control’. Personal agency does come in however, when it comes to what we do (to ourselves and to others) with those thoughts.
Right now my practice is to notice what is noticing my thoughts. I’m marinating my attention in that space, that awareness behind thought (which is my true self). I can see the ‘known’ path of thought-emotion-action, and I can still often feel the pull to go down that path. But I also see that that path is propelled by a thought (a vivid and persuasive image in my head that says something has to be done, fixed, changed or created to make something better) not by the simple, peaceful, already-whole, already here, truth of being.
I used to have so much loyalty to my thoughts – I truly believed my job was to take the best action I could in response to whatever thoughts and emotions came up. Now I see the power all those thoughts had over me, because of my belief in them. Through inquiry, I’m checking them out a bit more carefully before taking any action (because I’ve seen how harmful the action I take can be – even if the action is allowing myself to stew in stress and therefore miss great moments being truly present with my kids). So now as I check the thoughts (at least the ones that get me internally hung up on something), I’m able to stop myself from going down that (unconscious) path.
And, a new way of being present to the depth, beauty, humour and mystery of reality is constantly taking me by surprise.