It’s a blessing when I fall asleep for a moment. In these moments, I might get cranky or irritated, or outright angry… but then it’s almost like that tension sets off a little bell, and I immediately snap back into the bigness of what’s Here. I realize that I fell asleep, meaning I fell back into the habit of trying to be in control and create an agenda. But this agenda is always like a transparent sheet placed over life, with a clearly marked line to follow regardless of the actual (living) terrain beneath it. When something blocks or reroutes the agenda, even for 10 minutes, frustration arises. And then I see what I’m doing. It is always humbling, and always illuminating.
I don’t judge my ego anymore – it isn’t the ‘bad guy’, it is just a deep pattern that I’ve been taught to reinforce all my life. I’m grateful to it for being willing to try to take on the enormous (and impossible) task of all the things it tries to do – but it doesn’t have to do any of that. It can just rest in joy and amazement.
I used to be terrified to surrender my agenda, I really thought it was more responsible to have a well-plotted plan (in all aspects of life, short and long-term). But now I experience this differently – I see that this surrender is surrendering to the greatest wisdom inherent in Life and in myself. It feels terrifying because I can’t say what that wisdom is or where it will take me – there are no footholds, not even a tiny crack. But I know this is the only way to invite and experience the fullness of what is always Here. It always results in a deeper, more present, infinitely more fulfilling and even a more ‘productive’ experience.
So ‘falling asleep’ just brings me back to this – again and again and again – in fact, in this regard, the more I fall asleep, the greater the joy is in returning to the luminousness of what never falls asleep – and seeing that I never left.
Peace
ahh… nectar….
yes…. all things are here for your awakening.
hmnn.
r
i think it will be lovely as we go to generate some communion around the word “me”, and the need for dexterity and fluidity in how we handle it.
Because in this discourse, we are pointing out that there is a me (a perceiver) that is beyond the body (because it sees the body). But there is also a functional level where when the gorgeous body that we know as laura says, “that is MY spit-up covered sweater” we can accept that it is a functional statement that has to do with generating order (and yet another load of laundry) here in this field of action.
Even one line can carry nuances of both levels… for example, when she writes, “i don’t judge my ego anymore”, isn’t she really abiding as that spacous seeing as the witness, and yet also doing her best to communicate from the level of “the author” – the “one who is writing” when she says “my ego?”. …. do you see? I’ve found it helpful to take all this with a big old grain of salt.
om
r