So after the twins were born, for about 3 months, I couldn’t focus on anything much, spiritual or otherwise. But both the exhausted despair and the relentless spiritual yearning, led me back to my spiritual path, specifically to spiritual inquiry this time. And at that point, the search was no longer stemming from mere passion and fascination, but from a deep desire to experience a Self that is truly beyond mind, beyond emotions, beyond this aching, over-milked body. A new level of discernment was leading the way – I didn’t want to hear any more about manifesting, or accessing my ‘higher self’. I didn’t want to do any more guided visualizations or self hypnoses for healing. I didn’t want a new mantra, or a new way to put rose-coloured glasses on any of my experiences. Not that there is anything wrong with positive thinking, or any of those things, but I hit a point where I realized that for me at that time, those things were just taking the edge off the pain of this human experience, and not really tapping into the true source of it all. If there was a way, a teacher, a path I could learn about that could point me in the right direction, where I could experience myself in a way that was stronger, clearer and more peaceful than this extreme internal fatigue, I was determined to find it. My bullshit detector was on high. I wasn’t messing around. I wanted Enlightenment. I wanted the Truth – to know the truth of who and what I am. What am I doing here? Why? Why is there so much struggle, sadness, resistance, pain? Why does it seem that we are all going crazy in this way, and seem to shrug it off as an unfortunate yet necessary part of being human? Jeez, I probably just needed some sleep.
Somehow, by some amazing luck or grace, I started watching videos of Gangaji. A friend had told me about her months earlier, but I hadn’t yet checked her out. She stopped me in my tracks. I drank in Gangaji, and her teacher Papaji and his teacher Ramana’s teachings…. and my desire for Freedom intensified. What they were all pointing to in their teachings resonated as Truth in my bones, and yet, there was still something I wasn’t quite able to fully consciously experience. I was still searching for that one little piece would make it all ‘click’ into place. I envisioned that suddenly a sparkling clarity would dawn on me and I would see the world from completely new, unburdened eyes. Looking back, what I really wanted at that point in time was still just an escape from physical, mental and emotional overload. I was still looking towards spirituality to give me a new lifeline. I thought that if I just searched hard enough, if I just learned a little more, I’d ‘get’ it. I wanted to attain something. This is how we are trained, to collect information and analyze it, think about it, ‘practice’ it in the hopes of ‘getting somewhere’. So I was being a good diligent little seeker. Still ignorant to what needs to stop for the true awareness and recognition to be revealed, but steadfast in my diligence.
So these videos and books (often watched while tandem-brestfeeding and crocheting toques) spoke to my heart and even though I wasn’t yet ready for a surrender to true Freedom, my attention started to shift just a tiny bit away from the continuous loops in my mind. Many times, I’d fall into tears of defeat and angrily say ‘ok, fine, help me…I’m willing to admit that I NEED HELP ok??!!! (this is a big step for a very independent perfectionist Capricorn by the way) if it is true that peace, joy and fulfillment is available to us in each an every moment, show me, I’m ready dammit!!’ And then I would sit for a moment quietly waiting. And much to my amazement, even in those early moments, when I was willing to admit it, I started to humbly realize that there was a tiny quietness, there was a peacefulness, there was a moment to take a breath, there was sometimes even a cup of tea. There was always a moment available to go deep within. I started to get what ‘they’ meant by the power of really surrendering to the actual moment. A moment might even be too long, even just to hang suspended in alertness for an instant. There is always a teensy space to rest in an instant. My mind wanted to jump in and pull my focus back to the enormity of the challenges I was facing, but I learned to not touch that impulse for a tiny moment and see what else might be there. And really, there is just a silence going on in the moment. A nothingness that is always there, always peaceful, always within reach. There were no problems to be sought or found when I was willing to shift my attention from my mind.
I started to experiment with this silence. I’d ‘see if it was still there’ during moments that I had previously believed were ‘so hard’ (like pushing all 3 crying kiddies in a stroller through un-plowed snow with a huge backpack of groceries on my back). In those cortisol-pumping, loud and chaotic moments, I would look to see if I could still access this silence, and of course it was always there when I was willing to acknowledge it. This is where the subtle but powerful shift in my attention started to take place – away from incessant negative thinking and into the fullness of the present moment. So things were and are still demanding, but I can now see how much more difficult things are when there is a whole ‘poor me’ storyline attached to it.
Then I met Gangaji.
It truly was against all odds, but I got to spend two days with Gangaji and her husband Eli on retreat in Maui. The experience, which I could never have afforded financially or time-wise, fell freely into my lap. I was still at the stage where it was hard to sneak away for a 10 minute shower, let alone for a whole weekend. But it happened – I found out about this retreat on a Tuesday, and on that Friday night I was in Maui.
Early that Friday morning, I left snowy Golden BC on a 6:00 am Greyhound bus to Calgary. 20 hours later I arrived at my gorgeous hotel in Maui. Even the travel time, even the Greyhound was such a vacation!!!! I was exhausted but exhilarated. I fell into a deep sleep right away (the best sleep I’d had in over 3 years). The next morning, as a small group of people sat quietly in the retreat room, I felt like I was ‘dropping’ into place. It was almost like it was the first time in years that I could really sit quietly, within myself without interruption. I took some deep breaths and just let myself sink deep into quietness.
The door opened and in walked Gangaji and Eli. Gangaji smiled at the roomful and tears immediately filled my eyes – my hand flew to my heart and I suddenly realized the significance of this retreat. I had been so ridiculously busy leading up to the weekend, that I hadn’t really had the time to reflect on the fact that I was meeting a truly enlightened being – this meeting was handed to me – against all odds. And here I was, at her feet.
During the first day of retreat, I listened with a very open heart. People came up with their gratitude and their questions for these magnificent beings. All the questions boiled down to the same thing…. whether it was alcoholism, abusive relationships, grief, all these people were wondering how to awaken to something beyond the pain of the ‘situation’ they were enduring. Gangaji and Eli led them each with such wisdom and unconditional love back to their essence. “What do you want?” “I want to not be in pain” “That’s what you don’t want… what do you want?” “……… I want peace, freedom, unconditional love” “Yes….” and sometimes they would lead them right to their biggest fear, (fear of death ultimately, or fear of worthlessness) so they could see what the true nature of the fears were – they were thoughts in the head…thoughts they had believed for so long that they had never considered another possibility could exist for them. Sometimes they would masterfully bring them so fully into the moment so they could recognize the peace, unconditional love and freedom that existed in that instant (if they were willing and ready to see it). I didn’t go up the first day. I was getting so much from listening to everyone.
At the end of the day, Eli lead the group through a guided meditation that totally caught me off guard. I’m no stranger to guided meditations, but what opened in me was extraordinary. I don’t even remember how it all went, but I remember suddenly feeling surrounded, completely enveloped internally and externally by this incredible love. I instinctively knew that this love was for me if I was willing to accept it. Without any effort whatsoever, and before I even knew what was happening, something in me just completely melted – or broke open. I had tears flooding down my cheeks and I was trying to keep quiet and not disturb anyone else’s experience. This love just kept growing and growing, like a fountain from unknowable depths. It was palpable, buzzing with vibrant glorious energy that was powerful beyond anything I’d ever experienced. I fell into it. And the moment I really truly, fully released myself into it – with a deep willingness to accept it, I realized it was coming from me. Then in the meditation, Eli asked “what would you be willing to give for this?” And again, before I knew it, ‘my life’ was the answer. “What would you be willing to do for this?” “Be this and only this”. Then I got the faint feeling that some voice said “You made this commitment a long time ago honey, you are just realizing it again!!!”
It was an unexpected and profoundly moving experience of meeting the Love at my core, and a commitment to exist as this love, in service to this love. I can’t even really call it love – it was so beyond that…. there truly are no words for the energy and vastness of this experience. It was a deep and sweet embrace. It hasn’t quite happened to that degree since then, but it doesn’t have to for me to stay committed to the truth that was revealed. The truth that is still there (and has always been there). I feel like I finally consciously dipped into the Source. An experience I’d been longing for but didn’t think was real, or possible for me.
That night I again fell into a glorious kid-free sleep and awoke with butterflies in my stomach. I knew I had to sit with Gangaji and Eli and I was terrified. I knew I couldn’t rehearse a question, and I had no idea what I would say. But I had to go up. They came in and after a blissful silence my heart started pounding and my palms were sweaty. I think I was the second person to go up that day. They had a mic and a chair set up for us, but I just stood between them with my hands in a prayer position at my mouth with tears rolling down my cheeks. I was hoping something profound would come out of my mouth, but instead I said “can i touch you??”. Gangaji threw out her hand and I knelt between them awash with tears. I hung onto the two of them and told them that the meditation had allowed me to see something I’d never seen before. This incredible love….. and that I’d been so open ever since. I told them it had to have been the Mystery that brought me there because of how against all odds this weekend was for me. I told them how when I first came to the retreat, I really wanted to ask “ok, I get that we are formless conscious awareness, but help me understand the eternal part”… and now I realized that in meeting this depth of self, the eternal part is irrelevant. They both nodded yes, yes – with big grins on their faces. Gangaji said ‘this is satsang’, association with your own soul. What a lucky blessed life.” I hung onto them and thanked them. I also told them that I had choicelessly internally committed my life to this……they nodded like they already knew that. Of course.
Then I hopped on a red eye flight and was home 20 hours later.