Setting the Context: How the Challenges of Parenthood drove me to Self-Inquiry

So even though the whole point of this blog is to move beyond the ‘story’, I want to share a bit of context here to show that I am an ordinary Mama, going through the endless tasks and emotions of all Mamas… and to show how this place of challenge (that is so common to us all) is exactly where a deeper awareness is radically starting to unfurl.

So here it is; I am a 40 year old Canadian woman that went from having a very dynamic career as an academic instructor and outdoor wilderness guide in a small mountain town in the Rocky Mountains, to having three kids in two years.  All of a sudden, I was thrown into the depths of motherhood with infant twins and a two year old.  The physical, emotional and mental demands of this sudden change pulled the entire world out from under me – completely.  All of a sudden I was swimming in the intensity of the deep love, bliss and utter magic of babies on one hand, and the exhaustion, isolation and well, exhaustion on the other. I had to figure out things like how to attend to my toddler’s needs while tandem breast-feed my twins for literally 18 hours a day. My immediate family wasn’t around, and even though the love for my children has opened my heart to new depths every single day since their birth, I fell deeply into the exhausted and lonely despair that most mamas hit at some point. 

My husband is an incredible support to me and really held me afloat during those early months, but even with him, even with all I knew I had, I just felt like I couldn’t keep my shit together.  It wasn’t depression exactly, more like a house-bound exhausted and restless insanity.  I so much wanted to be able to muster up the energy to truly enjoy my beautiful children all the time – to be a smiling, laughing, creative, healthy, energetic mom that so many of us mamas dream to be. I was so sad that I couldn’t truly be that for my kids, for my husband, for myself – I was just too tired to keep that up all day.  And then I’d beat myself up for not being everything that I thought I should be able to be.  I was so frustrated at myself for getting caught in the mental loop of victim-laden thoughts (like the focus on how I’d lived on 4 hrs sleep a night for over 10 months, or how much it would tear me apart that there was literally always a baby crying that I couldn’t attend to right away…). There was a point when I got frustrated when friends popped by and wanted to visit rather than immediately taking the kids so I could shower – or hide under a blanket for awhile. Sometimes I would ask them to take the kids, but I quickly discovered that I wasn’t the only one who found three kids under the age of two to be an overwhelming task.  At that point, we couldn’t leave Olive (the toddler) with the twins (Darci and Mateo) even for a moment, otherwise she’d pull them off the couch by their heads, or sit on them or try to feed them rocks or something.  She absolutely adored them, but would squeeze too tight, or overestimate her ability to give a newborn babe a piggyback ride… 

I know all mothers can relate to all of this.  And to the other side of it too; the deep bliss and wonder of being a new mother.  My heart is literally bursting with overflowing love and joy – with a quality of tenderness that I’ve never experienced before.  I remember at about age 3 months, Mateo used to gaze at his baby twin sister Darci, trying desperately to catch her eye, cooing at her a bit. I loved watching the two of them nuzzle together in a bassinet, their bodies so used to being curled around each other.  I loved the times I got to spend one on one with Olive; we both needed it so much.  I’d run a deep bath for the two of us and we would lie in the warm water and tell each other silly stories. Once the twins were big enough to go in jolly jumpers, they would jump and squeal in delight in adjacent doorways while Olive and I did a mini workout or yoga in the hallway next to them.  So there is also such a deep glow to just be with my beautiful babies. 

So as you can see, I experienced the deep joy and the tedious angst in those early months that so many of us go through. I know you mamas can relate. Like the time when it was 2:00 pm and you were so tired you wanted to crumble because you had only slept for a total of 45 minutes the night before, you were only halfway through the day – and then it would all start again with no end in sight…  Or the time when you had to pee but your twins just fell asleep on the double breast-feeding pillow, which was permanently attached to you. Or the many times you daydreamed about how nice a shower would feel, or how nice it would be to get out of your yoga pants that were turning to fleece before your eyes. Oh, and remember when the friggin’ doorbell rang and you cursed yourself for forgetting to put up the sign that basically said “go away and come back in a year when I have a handle on things”.  Jeez, I’m glad I can laugh about it now, but it wasn’t pretty.

The twins are 18 months old now – so I’m still in this, but things have changed dramatically.  As my mental and emotional state continued to diminish, I took a deep dive into Self-Inquiry and was miraculously able to go on a retreat with Gangaji, a teacher I’ve adored and admired for a long time.  I didn’t expect to have any major shift in awareness, I just wanted to be in her incredibly wise presence. But unexpectedly, I was somehow able to profoundly recognize something I’d always overlooked.  Now a completely different way of perceiving and experiencing life is taking over…. a deep and consistent awakening to the truth of who I am – and this truth is so simply and completely different from who I’ve always thought myself to be.  Of course I still feel all the challenges of parenting 3 young children, but something deep has shifted, which is changing everything.

So there’s the context of what drove me towards this awakening, or this continuous humble and astounding realizing of what is already awake.